Friday, October 10, 2008
Buy, sell! Buy, sell! Funny money, boo-bah!
For years I fought with professors and classmates, as I firmly believed that the stock market was a zero-sum game, destined to widen the gap between rich and poor and weaken the tenets of capitalism a little more each year. I was scoffed at. I was called a Socialist, Communist, Terrorist, Motorist, Sexist, Racist and Flautist. Only the Motorist part was true, but it still hurt to hear it.
Now, I can't pick up a newspaper without seeing triple-digit stock losses every day. Are you guys serious? THIS is the infallible system you believed in so deeply? THIS is the greatest economic system ever invented?
Your market was so weak that deadbeats taking out awful mortgages crippled it in less than 5 years? Wow.
What a bunch of fucking pussies. Your bullshit about, "This is America, blah. Capitalism is the greatest system ever, blah. The great part about the American economy is that we're too big to fail, blah. You say it's such a flawed system, but then why would every other industrialized country in the world stand behind it as well, blah."
BULLSHIT.
Fucking pussies. You just wanted your money. You never believed in a single thing you were saying. I could see it in your stupid spoiled faces. Your definition of a sustainable economy is, and always will be, "Whatever puts money in MY pocket."
Don't get me wrong, I'm actually fine with that line of thinking. I just expect a grown man to look me in the eyes and know his own limitations. YOU are not capable of having faith in anything. YOU have participated in the greatest market collapse in the history of the world. Don't tell me, "Oh, the depression was worse." The depression happened in the 1930's. You remember how FDR had to live his life in a wheelchair? That wasn't caused by some kind of car or boat accident. He had fucking polio. Because the vaccine hadn't been discovered yet. Don't you think, more than 70 years later, we should have learned how to keep a sustainable economy afloat?
PUSSIES.
Run to your McMansions with all of your "retirement funds" like a squirrel gathering nuts for the winter. You really think, with the current global political and economic climate that you can truly "retire" with less than $5 million? You'll be working the rest of your life, just like the rest of us.
The first thing anyone learns about the stock market is, "buy low, sell high." Well, you fucking cowardly cunts, it doesn't get much lower than this. So, start investing again. If you were right about the infallibility of the system, then you have nothing to worry about.
Or, if you truly are the waste of life that I've always thought you were, you'll scurry back to your winter home, acorns in tow.
Cherish them, they're the only thing even remotely resembling "nuts" that you'll ever have,
The only thing getting richer in this country right now is the irony.
Monday, September 22, 2008
Cartography: That's It!
Monday, September 15, 2008
Holy Fuck: Pt. 2
Wow.
There's no smart-ass commentary coming on this one.
We're all fucked.
EDIT: AIG. Fuck.
Sunday, September 7, 2008
Holy Fuck
As with all politicians and all political parties in the history of the world, the Bush Administration is in favor of small government only when it suits their electoral needs. Comparing Republicans to fascists and Nazis has always been the go-to insult for liberals. Well, it is now appropriate to yell "Go back to Russia, Commies!" at any Republicans you happen to see walking down the street.
Trust me, they travel in groups.
Thursday, August 21, 2008
Alien Sex: It's Coming
If I can bring you down/up to my level of depression/anger, I'll have done my job. I look forward to seeing you there.
source:
Sen. John McCain (R-Ariz.) said in an interview Wednesday that he was uncertain how many houses he and his wife, Cindy, own.
The correct answer is at least four, located in Arizona, California and Virginia, according to his staff. Newsweek estimated this summer that the couple owns at least seven properties.
In recent weeks, Democrats have stepped up their effort to caricature McCain as living an outlandishly rich lifestyle – a bit of payback to the GOP for portraying Sen. Barack Obama (D-Ill.) as an elitist, and for turning the spotlight in 2004 on the five homes owned by Sen. John F. Kerry (D-Mass.) and his wife, Teresa Heinz Kerry.
Pro-Obama labor groups have sent out mailers highlighting McCain’s wealth, and prominent Democrats have included references to it in comments to reporters.
Twice in the past two weeks, those Democrats have focused on McCain’s houses.
Sen. Charles Schumer (D-N.Y.) told Politico’s Ben Smith that it was McCain “who wears $500 shoes, has six houses, and comes from one of the richest families in his state."
And David Axelrod, Obama’s chief strategist, referred in an interview with Adam Nagourney of The New York Times to an imagined meeting of McCain strategists “on the portico of the McCain estate in Sedona — or maybe in one of his six other houses.”
McCain’s comments came four days after he initially told Pastor Rick Warren during a faith forum on Sunday his threshold for considering someone rich is $5 million — a careless comment he quickly corrected.
In the interview, McCain did not offer an alternative number, but had a new answer ready.
“I define rich in other ways besides income,” he said. “Some people are wealthy and rich in their lives and their children and their ability to educate them. Others are poor if they’re billionaires.”
McCain, by anyone's measure, is well off if you include his wife's fortune. Cindy McCain inherited control of her father’s beer distributorship, the largest in Arizona, and has an estimated worth of over $100 million.
Thursday, August 7, 2008
Alien Sex: Come On
Saturday, July 12, 2008
Saturday, July 5, 2008
Alien Sex: Polar Bears
I know the World Wildlife Fund won a lawsuit against the World Wrestling Federation, but seeing a polar bear on a floating piece of ice in the middle of a frozen ocean loses most of its meaning when you ask me to donate to the "WWF." It just makes me laugh. I think of the Ultimate Warrior, Macho Man Randy Savage, or Superfly Jimmy Snuka bounding from the top rope to deliver an elbow drop the likes of which the polar ice caps have never seen.
Pick your battles.
Friday, June 13, 2008
Puking Rainbows
ending this:
Vomit isn't easy to clean up. It can be done, but it takes time, and
love. Its gotta be done right. No half-assing. Approach it with an
open mind. Problem solving at work. We have all these newspapers,
let's start with them. That sawdust stuff? I wouldn't even know
where to go about getting something like that, and its Sunday. Can we
use hay? or Hair? Big sexy piles of it could do the trick. Get my
razor. and the cat.
Months later, the crime scene is visually and olfactorally sound.
Your peers have no idea how grave the situation was. You know it
though. Every time you walk passed that spot on the carpet, you'll
cringe. Try vomiting on someone. They're soiled for life. Put it in
their eulogy.
I don't want to be mr. unhappy blog pants though. I want to talk
about a vomit so beautiful, I almost ralph just thinking about it.
It was the year of our lord, 2006 D.R., A.A. (during Renfro, after
Aaliyah). The world was a better place. Spiderman 3, only in its
planning phases, had yet to drop the entire world's collective IQ's 4
points. Jessica Alba wasn't pregnant. Really, the only thing I can
think of that wasn't better in 2006, was that the Iced Cream Precinct
had not yet been created.
There was a night in August 2006, in the city of Munich, Germany,
where I blew big, big, chunks. I drank a lot of beer. A lot. I ate
tons of sausages, tons of mashed potatoes, tons of macaroni and
cheese. It was bubbling up, I could feel it. Someone made a funny
joke, some girl gave me a pull of her cigarette, and I saw a drunk man
fall flat on his face. I laughed so hard that I threw up. All.
Over. The. Place.
It got on everyone. It was on my friends' plates, in babies' mouths,
in tubas and hair, and in everyone's beer. It traveled through the
sewers of Munich, covered buildings, and monuments. It travelled
through time and space and covered the world. For a moment, I was
taken over by sheer terror. I'd been here before, but never on this
scale. This was going in everyone's eulogy.
But look! My vomit! This isn't your granddad's vomit. Its
technicolor. And its smells like heaven. Unicorns are playing in
it. I had puked a rainbow all over the world. Don't clean this one
up. If I'm lucky, I'll slip in it someday.
Riff Raff and Thugs
Papelbon says Red Sox still owe Rays for brawl
Papelbon just shot up to the top of my list of classless dick heads in baseball, I don't care how good he is. Him and Youkilis share the crown I think. He says:
All I got to say is what comes around goes around, man. Payback's a b----, I'll tell you what.Oh really? Well first, congrats on sounding like a redneck moron. A story: These days, the city of Baltimore is made up of a bunch of young professionals, older couples, and otherwise good people. But then you have the old locals that are holding on to the dump of a row home that they live in. You can find these people walking the streets in the middle of the day (GET A FUCKING JOB), shirtless, lighting cigarettes, cursing, spitting, and either talking to themselves, or talking to someone else about some of the DUMBEST tough guy shit you'd ever hear. And this applies to women as well. And these people LOOK like hell. Ravaged by crack and alcohol, they're probably 2o years younger than they look. And when I read this sentence from Papelbon, I can't help but put it to the voice of one of these fucking riff raff walking down the streets. I swear to god I heard a trashy ass woman saying to her other worthless thug friend just yesterday, "Alls I got to say is, she better fuckin' show up cause that bitch owes me 5 dollars, I'll tell you what." My God, what a life you're leading. I digress.
So this all started when Coco Crisp slid real hard into second on a stolen base attempt. James Shields retaliated by hitting him in the lower body in a later at-bat. This all should be over at this point. But Crisp's a fucking thug who's flat out NOT very good at baseball and maybe frustrated by his diminished playing time, so he decides to charge the mound. That's when this occurred:

And by "this" I mean, when James Shields almost knocked Coco Crisps' fucking lights out. A bench clearing brawl ensued in which Coco got his ass handed to him by Johnny Gomes, but I'm sure some Red Sox got a few punches in themselves. Either way, the issue isn't about whether the teams are "even now," the issue is that Papelbon thinks because he's on his local sports talk show, he can say what he wants without repercussion because his Boston cronies will back him up. And that now both teams will have an even more dangerous rematch when they play again on June 30 because the Fucking Thug Papelbon thought he could say whatever the hell he wants. And I say dangerous because we're talking about 90 MPH baseballs hitting people.
MLB should immediately come out and say that ANY retaliation from either team in their next game will result in an immediate ejection and a fine/suspension. Put this shit to bed. But, HOOEY THE RATINGS WILL BE THROUGH THE ROOF!
I don't expect much from this, if fines or suspensions are handed out, I'm sure they will be drops in a hat. And it may end up being just a plunk in the ass or two, with no one getting hurt or anything. But on the slight chance that someone does get seriously injured, the first person I'm blaming is Papelbon for acting like a fucking childish thug. Its a good thing he's safe in the later innings.
Man and I thought hating the Yankees in the 90's and early 2000's was easy.
Mr Jeff Foxes...or two things that are similar in that they both make absolutely no sense
Fleet Foxworthy

Thursday, June 12, 2008
Nude Remix. AKA another example of people other than us having some indelible and yet seemingly unattainable quality of vision, access & application
Wednesday, June 4, 2008
Alien Sex: Get A Job
When you advertise a position on such a grand scale, you're bound to have some jokers come in that make you say, "Is this guy serious?"
Unfortunately, that's been the MAJORITY of the applicants.
In addition to the basic "what high school did you go to and who are your last 2 employers?" bullshit, there is also a LENGTHY personality profile, some math questions, and a 75-100 word essay to close everything out.
Why is the application so involved? To weed out the people that aren't really serious about the job.
If you can't sit down for 45 minutes to fill out some basic information about yourself, then you won't be able to get a job ANYWHERE.
One kid, for his 75-100 word essay, actually wrote, "I just want to be part of the team." That's it. That is literally ALL he wrote.
Well, I want to play for the Dodgers; I want to be part of THAT team. But, unfortunately, my desire is not enough. Why? Because the Dodgers still believe in the archaic notion that you should have to prove that you're qualified for the job before they just give it to you.
Even worse than the kids that don't fill out the application are the kids that fill out the entire thing, then hand it to ME. (I'm not a manager, or even an assistant, and have very little say in who gets hired and who doesn't, other than my boss occasionally asking me: "What did you think of that kid?")
They see me in khakis and a polo shirt, and assume I have some kind of authority. But instead of trying to make a positive first impression on me, they ask me stupid shit like, "What is the starting salary?" I had to actually tell one kid, "That's something we would discuss with you after we've reviewed your application, set up an interview, and offered you the job."
Is that an asshole thing to say? Absolutely. But, he asked an asshole question. The only bigger asshole question you can ask a prospective employer is, "How many vacation days would I get?"
One kid said to me, "I'm looking for at least $10 an hour, and I'm looking to get hired as soon as possible." The kid had a college degree, claimed to have a clean drivers' license and no police record, and actually seemed qualified to do the job. Is he going to get the job? Absolutely not.
Why?
Because I told my boss, "You're not hiring that kid."
Even though I have fairly little say in what goes on there, my boss does respect me enough to cross someone off the list if I've asked him to.
I've spent my entire life as a NY Giants fan, and do you know what I was doing during the 4th quarter of their spectacular Super Bowl win? I was getting ready for bed, because I had a job interview in the morning. I woke up, shaved, dressed like an adult and walked into that interview like a grown man. I got that job because I walked into the interview asking for the job. I wanted the job. Not just the money I would make as compensation, not the company car or the health benefits that are wonderful perks of my particular job...I wanted to actually show up there for 40+ hours a week and work my ass off. That's what I wanted, and they gave it to me. I applied for a position that wasn't even open, and they gave it to me.
These fucking guys are walking into an office that I spend my whole week in, and they're acting like I OWE THEM something. I don't owe you shit, and neither does my company. Sit down like the entry-level applicant that you are, and fill out a fucking application.
How about some fucking professionalism? Walk in dressed like an adult, speak like a man, and don't ask any stupid questions. You're not entitled to ANYTHING. Show up every day and work as hard as I do, then ask about compensation. Do something of value for the company. Believe it or not, just because someone "ranks higher" than you doesn't mean that they're doing less work for more money. In some companies, that is certainly the case, but you'll find that out after a few months on the job. Not during a 3 minute conversation with one of the salesmen.
3 minutes isn't long enough to find out anything worthwhile about a company; but it's more than enough for a company to figure out that you're a fucking piker.
- Eli
Monday, May 26, 2008
Alien Sex: Don't Screw This Up
When it was first announced that NBC would be Americanizing the British version of The Office, I was really upset. Gervais created perfect characters, and a storyline that ended exactly when and where it should have. He knew a third season could never be as good as the first two, and decided to go out on top.
Letting his show migrate across the Atlantic was, in my opinion at the time, a major mistake.
Turns out I was wrong.
What Greg Daniels and the rest of that squad have accomplished is impressive; duplicating the awkwardly brilliant feel of the British original.
But what will this spinoff bring to the table? Will it follow Toby to Costa Rica? Will Schrute Farms become a successful bed & breakfast? Will we see what Ryan's life is like in minimum security prison, as he serves his time for white-collar crime? All of the above?
I can't think of any legitimate ways to improve or add to what The Office already has going for it. The Big Four (Carell, Wilson, Krasinski and Fischer) were PERFECT casting to take over their respective roles in the American version, but let's not get carried away.
We don't need a spinoff. We need every face on that show to have better character development. If Pam is going to New York, let her stay there for a while, and really succeed in what she's doing. Ryan is gone, that position in NY is open, and Jim seems more than qualified to take over. Pam should quit her shitty receptionist job and stay in New York. Jim can follow her there by taking Ryan's newly vacated position at the top.
This spinoff will supposedly premier in January, right after the Super Bowl. The Office season premier is in September, so 3 full months (and probably 10-15 episodes) of Jim/Pam drama will put the show right back where it was before the writers' strike. Then, you have a show that's entirely about Jim and Pam and their trials and tribulations in the big city. Jim will be Michael's boss, so he'll still have to keep in contact with the Scranton office, PLUS we'd get to see his "everyman" persona deal with the other Dunder-Mifflin branches and whatever psychos they might have dwelling inside. It leaves the door open for dozens of cameos, and countless storylines.
I have no doubt that Daniels and Schur are capable of pulling off something worthwhile with this spinoff, I just don't see more than 1 or 2 ways to make it watchable without being completely predicatable. I've already predicted what I think will/should happen, and I don't feel like it required any kind of deep thought on my part; I'm just saying what I think would make good TV and fit within the current confines of the characters and their abilities.
The question is: how do you re-make a re-make that was already pitch-perfect in its approach to re-making the original?
Anyone who's ever made a copy of a dubbed tape knows what's going to happen here. The first copy is always of great quality, but each subsequent copy has more and more audible hiss that eventually renders it unlistenable. I hope this perfectly cast and impeccably written show doesn't overexpose itself.
There's only so much juice you can squeeze out of an orange. Sooner or later, you just end up with a cup full of pulp that sticks in your teeth.
Who didn't like THAT analogy?
- Sugar
