Buy, sell! Buy, sell! Funny money, boo-bah!

I, as you may or may not know, was forced to major in finance, very much against my own will. This, as you can imagine, has given me a very negative outlook on the world of investing, as a whole. However, never in my wildest dreams could I have imagined the panicked pussy stock sell-off that is occurring right now.

For years I fought with professors and classmates, as I firmly believed that the stock market was a zero-sum game, destined to widen the gap between rich and poor and weaken the tenets of capitalism a little more each year. I was scoffed at. I was called a Socialist, Communist, Terrorist, Motorist, Sexist, Racist and Flautist. Only the Motorist part was true, but it still hurt to hear it.

Now, I can't pick up a newspaper without seeing triple-digit stock losses every day. Are you guys serious? THIS is the infallible system you believed in so deeply? THIS is the greatest economic system ever invented?

Your market was so weak that deadbeats taking out awful mortgages crippled it in less than 5 years? Wow.

What a bunch of fucking pussies. Your bullshit about, "This is America, blah. Capitalism is the greatest system ever, blah. The great part about the American economy is that we're too big to fail, blah. You say it's such a flawed system, but then why would every other industrialized country in the world stand behind it as well, blah."

BULLSHIT.

Fucking pussies. You just wanted your money. You never believed in a single thing you were saying. I could see it in your stupid spoiled faces. Your definition of a sustainable economy is, and always will be, "Whatever puts money in MY pocket."

Don't get me wrong, I'm actually fine with that line of thinking. I just expect a grown man to look me in the eyes and know his own limitations. YOU are not capable of having faith in anything. YOU have participated in the greatest market collapse in the history of the world. Don't tell me, "Oh, the depression was worse." The depression happened in the 1930's. You remember how FDR had to live his life in a wheelchair? That wasn't caused by some kind of car or boat accident. He had fucking polio. Because the vaccine hadn't been discovered yet. Don't you think, more than 70 years later, we should have learned how to keep a sustainable economy afloat?

PUSSIES.

Run to your McMansions with all of your "retirement funds" like a squirrel gathering nuts for the winter. You really think, with the current global political and economic climate that you can truly "retire" with less than $5 million? You'll be working the rest of your life, just like the rest of us.

The first thing anyone learns about the stock market is, "buy low, sell high." Well, you fucking cowardly cunts, it doesn't get much lower than this. So, start investing again. If you were right about the infallibility of the system, then you have nothing to worry about.

Or, if you truly are the waste of life that I've always thought you were, you'll scurry back to your winter home, acorns in tow.

Cherish them, they're the only thing even remotely resembling "nuts" that you'll ever have,

The only thing getting richer in this country right now is the irony.

Cartography: That's It!

Ok enough. I am never going to read another music review. Unless it's done so with the partly satirical bent, and basic curiosity I employ when people watching from a park bench, I dont think I can participate in, and there by potentially validate, the inanity of would be writers and musicians, complicitly imbuing themselves as impartial judges of both. It's insane! They really push it so far. I read one review that claimed in one song on an album the band "we're unsure of who they should be." Man. I bet this guy knows who they should be. Maybe he knows who everyone should be. He could save me a lot of time, money and effort; think I'll try to contact him. I guess it would be better to just produce a piece of music and put it out into the ether, simply to see if people might like it. Then he'll probably tell me straight off. Ridiculous for so many reasons I dont even need to name. I get that musicians make crazy money in some cases, and they need to be harshly judged, but thats not really a process that involves too much intentional participation most times. There's only one Fred Durst. I could say more but dont really have it in me. It's not really worth a diatribe, I've just had my fill is all. hows it going guys? frank you having fun at school? see yas

Holy Fuck: Pt. 2

Lehman and Merrill Lynch.

Wow.

There's no smart-ass commentary coming on this one.

We're all fucked.


EDIT: AIG. Fuck.

Holy Fuck

The Bush Administration, purveyor of "small government" and enemy of social security, has now enacted the two single most important big government bills SINCE social security. The Patriot Act increased the scope and size of Federal Government in America by at least 50%, and now comes news that they will be taking over Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac. Not only will the feds continue to listen to your phone calls, but they might even use said phone calls against you to deny you a home loan.

As with all politicians and all political parties in the history of the world, the Bush Administration is in favor of small government only when it suits their electoral needs. Comparing Republicans to fascists and Nazis has always been the go-to insult for liberals. Well, it is now appropriate to yell "Go back to Russia, Commies!" at any Republicans you happen to see walking down the street.

Trust me, they travel in groups.

Alien Sex: It's Coming

I honestly don't know how I feel about this. When you read something like this particular article, you normally have some kind of opinion. In this case, for whatever reason, I have absolutely no opinion whatsoever. I assume I must already be sick of the election, which technically hasn't truly started yet. The media coverage will triple in its scope soon, and we'll hear all kinds of bullshit that we never wanted to know, and for me personally, this is proof that the process has started. When you read this article, you'll either be enraged that John McCain doesn't know how many houses he has, or you'll be enraged that Obama's people are making this such a huge issue. Or, in my case, you'll be angry/depressed/angry-again that playoff baseball will take a backseat to political bickering. Either way, this piece of news should fill you with hate.

If I can bring you down/up to my level of depression/anger, I'll have done my job. I look forward to seeing you there.




source:

Sen. John McCain (R-Ariz.) said in an interview Wednesday that he was uncertain how many houses he and his wife, Cindy, own.

The correct answer is at least four, located in Arizona, California and Virginia, according to his staff. Newsweek estimated this summer that the couple owns at least seven properties.

In recent weeks, Democrats have stepped up their effort to caricature McCain as living an outlandishly rich lifestyle – a bit of payback to the GOP for portraying Sen. Barack Obama (D-Ill.) as an elitist, and for turning the spotlight in 2004 on the five homes owned by Sen. John F. Kerry (D-Mass.) and his wife, Teresa Heinz Kerry.

Pro-Obama labor groups have sent out mailers highlighting McCain’s wealth, and prominent Democrats have included references to it in comments to reporters.

Twice in the past two weeks, those Democrats have focused on McCain’s houses.

Sen. Charles Schumer (D-N.Y.) told Politico’s Ben Smith that it was McCain “who wears $500 shoes, has six houses, and comes from one of the richest families in his state."

And David Axelrod, Obama’s chief strategist, referred in an interview with Adam Nagourney of The New York Times to an imagined meeting of McCain strategists “on the portico of the McCain estate in Sedona — or maybe in one of his six other houses.”

McCain’s comments came four days after he initially told Pastor Rick Warren during a faith forum on Sunday his threshold for considering someone rich is $5 million — a careless comment he quickly corrected.

In the interview, McCain did not offer an alternative number, but had a new answer ready.

“I define rich in other ways besides income,” he said. “Some people are wealthy and rich in their lives and their children and their ability to educate them. Others are poor if they’re billionaires.”

McCain, by anyone's measure, is well off if you include his wife's fortune. Cindy McCain inherited control of her father’s beer distributorship, the largest in Arizona, and has an estimated worth of over $100 million.

Alien Sex: Come On

The people of China were apparently offended by several American cyclists choosing to wear masks while arriving at the Beijing airport. This was a great sign of disrespect to The People's Republic, supposedly. You know what else is offensive? Air pollution 5 times worse than Los Angeles. That offends me. As does the notion that a human being must waive the right to actually breathe oxygen when he or she goes to China. Get over yourselves. Your country smells like burning tires. If you stopped making tube socks for Wal-Mart for just 5 minutes and actually went outside, you'd know that. Come on.

YYYYAAAAAAAAAAAAAYYYYYYY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!@^#$@^%$#*#

HAPPY BIRTHDAY ELI!!!!!

Alien Sex: Polar Bears

Weekend Quickie:

I know the World Wildlife Fund won a lawsuit against the World Wrestling Federation, but seeing a polar bear on a floating piece of ice in the middle of a frozen ocean loses most of its meaning when you ask me to donate to the "WWF." It just makes me laugh. I think of the Ultimate Warrior, Macho Man Randy Savage, or Superfly Jimmy Snuka bounding from the top rope to deliver an elbow drop the likes of which the polar ice caps have never seen.

Pick your battles.

Puking Rainbows

The following is a post that I'm sick of having in my drafts. I'm
ending this:

Vomit isn't easy to clean up. It can be done, but it takes time, and
love. Its gotta be done right. No half-assing. Approach it with an
open mind. Problem solving at work. We have all these newspapers,
let's start with them. That sawdust stuff? I wouldn't even know
where to go about getting something like that, and its Sunday. Can we
use hay? or Hair? Big sexy piles of it could do the trick. Get my
razor. and the cat.

Months later, the crime scene is visually and olfactorally sound.
Your peers have no idea how grave the situation was. You know it
though. Every time you walk passed that spot on the carpet, you'll
cringe. Try vomiting on someone. They're soiled for life. Put it in
their eulogy.

I don't want to be mr. unhappy blog pants though. I want to talk
about a vomit so beautiful, I almost ralph just thinking about it.

It was the year of our lord, 2006 D.R., A.A. (during Renfro, after
Aaliyah). The world was a better place. Spiderman 3, only in its
planning phases, had yet to drop the entire world's collective IQ's 4
points. Jessica Alba wasn't pregnant. Really, the only thing I can
think of that wasn't better in 2006, was that the Iced Cream Precinct
had not yet been created.

There was a night in August 2006, in the city of Munich, Germany,
where I blew big, big, chunks. I drank a lot of beer. A lot. I ate
tons of sausages, tons of mashed potatoes, tons of macaroni and
cheese. It was bubbling up, I could feel it. Someone made a funny
joke, some girl gave me a pull of her cigarette, and I saw a drunk man
fall flat on his face. I laughed so hard that I threw up. All.
Over. The. Place.

It got on everyone. It was on my friends' plates, in babies' mouths,
in tubas and hair, and in everyone's beer. It traveled through the
sewers of Munich, covered buildings, and monuments. It travelled
through time and space and covered the world. For a moment, I was
taken over by sheer terror. I'd been here before, but never on this
scale. This was going in everyone's eulogy.

But look! My vomit! This isn't your granddad's vomit. Its
technicolor. And its smells like heaven. Unicorns are playing in
it. I had puked a rainbow all over the world. Don't clean this one
up. If I'm lucky, I'll slip in it someday.

Riff Raff and Thugs

First of all, to find three things I want to post about in 1 day is remarkable. But then again, I took today off, and have just been peru'sin USA around the internet. But this shit slays me deep. I apologize ahead of time for my use of cuss words and simple sentences, but I'm angry.

Here's the mother fucking source

Here's your headline:

Papelbon says Red Sox still owe Rays for brawl

Now, right there. If you've seen any of whats happened with this, you should be fuming. Unless you are a blind Red Sox fan, which is NOT an excuse.

Papelbon just shot up to the top of my list of classless dick heads in baseball, I don't care how good he is. Him and Youkilis share the crown I think. He says:

All I got to say is what comes around goes around, man. Payback's a b----, I'll tell you what.

Oh really? Well first, congrats on sounding like a redneck moron. A story: These days, the city of Baltimore is made up of a bunch of young professionals, older couples, and otherwise good people. But then you have the old locals that are holding on to the dump of a row home that they live in. You can find these people walking the streets in the middle of the day (GET A FUCKING JOB), shirtless, lighting cigarettes, cursing, spitting, and either talking to themselves, or talking to someone else about some of the DUMBEST tough guy shit you'd ever hear. And this applies to women as well. And these people LOOK like hell. Ravaged by crack and alcohol, they're probably 2o years younger than they look. And when I read this sentence from Papelbon, I can't help but put it to the voice of one of these fucking riff raff walking down the streets. I swear to god I heard a trashy ass woman saying to her other worthless thug friend just yesterday, "Alls I got to say is, she better fuckin' show up cause that bitch owes me 5 dollars, I'll tell you what." My God, what a life you're leading. I digress.

So this all started when Coco Crisp slid real hard into second on a stolen base attempt. James Shields retaliated by hitting him in the lower body in a later at-bat. This all should be over at this point. But Crisp's a fucking thug who's flat out NOT very good at baseball and maybe frustrated by his diminished playing time, so he decides to charge the mound. That's when this occurred:











And by "this" I mean, when James Shields almost knocked Coco Crisps' fucking lights out. A bench clearing brawl ensued in which Coco got his ass handed to him by Johnny Gomes, but I'm sure some Red Sox got a few punches in themselves. Either way, the issue isn't about whether the teams are "even now," the issue is that Papelbon thinks because he's on his local sports talk show, he can say what he wants without repercussion because his Boston cronies will back him up. And that now both teams will have an even more dangerous rematch when they play again on June 30 because the Fucking Thug Papelbon thought he could say whatever the hell he wants. And I say dangerous because we're talking about 90 MPH baseballs hitting people.

MLB should immediately come out and say that ANY retaliation from either team in their next game will result in an immediate ejection and a fine/suspension. Put this shit to bed. But, HOOEY THE RATINGS WILL BE THROUGH THE ROOF!

I don't expect much from this, if fines or suspensions are handed out, I'm sure they will be drops in a hat. And it may end up being just a plunk in the ass or two, with no one getting hurt or anything. But on the slight chance that someone does get seriously injured, the first person I'm blaming is Papelbon for acting like a fucking childish thug. Its a good thing he's safe in the later innings.

Man and I thought hating the Yankees in the 90's and early 2000's was easy.

Mr Jeff Foxes...or two things that are similar in that they both make absolutely no sense

Mr Balloon Hands.  No Way.

Fleet Foxworthy

Take a look at that image.  Uppity size that.  

That's the cover for the debut Fleet Foxes LP just released on Sub Pop.  I've had this album for a few months at this point, and I've recommended it to some of you.  I think its friggin' fantastic and its only competition for best album of 2008 so far is Portishead's new one.  

Sup Pop released it on Vinyl and included the band's EP Sun Giant with the LP.  Also included was a link to download the mp3s of both the LP and the EP.  You know when people say What Would Jesus Do?  I think if the guy were around these days, the first thing he'd do is release all vinyls with high quality mp3 download codes.  I'm pretty sure he said it once in the Bible.  

So as I stated, I've had this album for a few months.  Apparently it was recorded quite a while ago (the EP was actually released first, but recorded second), and naturally it was leaked.  I don't know what it is that I found so charming about music that paints a picture of Ye Olde Frontier, but its got me hook, line, and sinker.  Fucking guys fixing leaks in houses, tending to the land, wearing hats and beards, etc.  Prime example of this is Midlake's "Roscoe," which was my song of the year last year by a landslide.  Fleet Foxes' LP is the musically superior cousin of Midlake's "Trials of Van Occupanther," though I wouldn't say any one song is better than Roscoe.  Thanks to Sub Pop for releasing this album on Vinyl, because after listening to mp3s for months, I was ready to have the album reborn in my grado's with vinyl pops.  And this album screams to be enhanced by the scratching and popping of a needle.  And that album cover!  Big and blown up on the cover of the gatefold!  Give me one tab of acid, this album, and its vinyl gatefold, and I'll see you at the yard.  I'd come out looking like this guy.

There have been enough blog posts out there about how fantastic "White Winter Hymnal" is so I'll just say this and move on:  Its the best song under 3 minutes I've ever heard.  

It didn't surprise me to learn that seasoned producer Phil Ek (of Built to Spill and Shins fame, to name a few) was involved in mixing this album, in particular "He Doesn't Know Why," which challenged me to focus on that piano backing track, and when I finally did, the song hit like a ton of bricks.  THAT is how you mix music.  Make me work for it.  

I mentioned before Portishead's new LP.  At first it was only available as a CD and as a stupid giant box set vinyl, but they came to their senses and released just the single LP a bit later (which did the Christian thing and included mp3s).  

I really like to listen to these two albums one after another, because its like drifting off to sleep after a hard day's work of tending to the livestock and prospecting my land, and then plummeting down into a smelly, steamy, metal factory made up of nothing but massive turning gears which grind and crush my bones to powder when I fall into them.

Nude Remix. AKA another example of people other than us having some indelible and yet seemingly unattainable quality of vision, access & application

Big Ideas (don't get any) from James Houston on Vimeo.

Alien Sex: Get A Job

The company I currently work for is interviewing for entry-level positions. They even went as far as to take out an ad in the classifieds.

When you advertise a position on such a grand scale, you're bound to have some jokers come in that make you say, "Is this guy serious?"

Unfortunately, that's been the MAJORITY of the applicants.

In addition to the basic "what high school did you go to and who are your last 2 employers?" bullshit, there is also a LENGTHY personality profile, some math questions, and a 75-100 word essay to close everything out.

Why is the application so involved? To weed out the people that aren't really serious about the job.

If you can't sit down for 45 minutes to fill out some basic information about yourself, then you won't be able to get a job ANYWHERE.

One kid, for his 75-100 word essay, actually wrote, "I just want to be part of the team." That's it. That is literally ALL he wrote.

Well, I want to play for the Dodgers; I want to be part of THAT team. But, unfortunately, my desire is not enough. Why? Because the Dodgers still believe in the archaic notion that you should have to prove that you're qualified for the job before they just give it to you.

Even worse than the kids that don't fill out the application are the kids that fill out the entire thing, then hand it to ME. (I'm not a manager, or even an assistant, and have very little say in who gets hired and who doesn't, other than my boss occasionally asking me: "What did you think of that kid?")

They see me in khakis and a polo shirt, and assume I have some kind of authority. But instead of trying to make a positive first impression on me, they ask me stupid shit like, "What is the starting salary?" I had to actually tell one kid, "That's something we would discuss with you after we've reviewed your application, set up an interview, and offered you the job."

Is that an asshole thing to say? Absolutely. But, he asked an asshole question. The only bigger asshole question you can ask a prospective employer is, "How many vacation days would I get?"

One kid said to me, "I'm looking for at least $10 an hour, and I'm looking to get hired as soon as possible." The kid had a college degree, claimed to have a clean drivers' license and no police record, and actually seemed qualified to do the job. Is he going to get the job? Absolutely not.

Why?

Because I told my boss, "You're not hiring that kid."

Even though I have fairly little say in what goes on there, my boss does respect me enough to cross someone off the list if I've asked him to.

I've spent my entire life as a NY Giants fan, and do you know what I was doing during the 4th quarter of their spectacular Super Bowl win? I was getting ready for bed, because I had a job interview in the morning. I woke up, shaved, dressed like an adult and walked into that interview like a grown man. I got that job because I walked into the interview asking for the job. I wanted the job. Not just the money I would make as compensation, not the company car or the health benefits that are wonderful perks of my particular job...I wanted to actually show up there for 40+ hours a week and work my ass off. That's what I wanted, and they gave it to me. I applied for a position that wasn't even open, and they gave it to me.

These fucking guys are walking into an office that I spend my whole week in, and they're acting like I OWE THEM something. I don't owe you shit, and neither does my company. Sit down like the entry-level applicant that you are, and fill out a fucking application.

How about some fucking professionalism? Walk in dressed like an adult, speak like a man, and don't ask any stupid questions. You're not entitled to ANYTHING. Show up every day and work as hard as I do, then ask about compensation. Do something of value for the company. Believe it or not, just because someone "ranks higher" than you doesn't mean that they're doing less work for more money. In some companies, that is certainly the case, but you'll find that out after a few months on the job. Not during a 3 minute conversation with one of the salesmen.

3 minutes isn't long enough to find out anything worthwhile about a company; but it's more than enough for a company to figure out that you're a fucking piker.

- Eli

Alien Sex: Don't Screw This Up

It's official: there will be an Office spinoff this year. No details have been announced, other than it will be run by Office head Greg Daniels and Office writer/producer Mike "Cousin Mose" Schur (also of FireJoeMorgan.com fame).

When it was first announced that NBC would be Americanizing the British version of The Office, I was really upset. Gervais created perfect characters, and a storyline that ended exactly when and where it should have. He knew a third season could never be as good as the first two, and decided to go out on top.

Letting his show migrate across the Atlantic was, in my opinion at the time, a major mistake.

Turns out I was wrong.

What Greg Daniels and the rest of that squad have accomplished is impressive; duplicating the awkwardly brilliant feel of the British original.

But what will this spinoff bring to the table? Will it follow Toby to Costa Rica? Will Schrute Farms become a successful bed & breakfast? Will we see what Ryan's life is like in minimum security prison, as he serves his time for white-collar crime? All of the above?

I can't think of any legitimate ways to improve or add to what The Office already has going for it. The Big Four (Carell, Wilson, Krasinski and Fischer) were PERFECT casting to take over their respective roles in the American version, but let's not get carried away.

We don't need a spinoff. We need every face on that show to have better character development. If Pam is going to New York, let her stay there for a while, and really succeed in what she's doing. Ryan is gone, that position in NY is open, and Jim seems more than qualified to take over. Pam should quit her shitty receptionist job and stay in New York. Jim can follow her there by taking Ryan's newly vacated position at the top.

This spinoff will supposedly premier in January, right after the Super Bowl. The Office season premier is in September, so 3 full months (and probably 10-15 episodes) of Jim/Pam drama will put the show right back where it was before the writers' strike. Then, you have a show that's entirely about Jim and Pam and their trials and tribulations in the big city. Jim will be Michael's boss, so he'll still have to keep in contact with the Scranton office, PLUS we'd get to see his "everyman" persona deal with the other Dunder-Mifflin branches and whatever psychos they might have dwelling inside. It leaves the door open for dozens of cameos, and countless storylines.

I have no doubt that Daniels and Schur are capable of pulling off something worthwhile with this spinoff, I just don't see more than 1 or 2 ways to make it watchable without being completely predicatable. I've already predicted what I think will/should happen, and I don't feel like it required any kind of deep thought on my part; I'm just saying what I think would make good TV and fit within the current confines of the characters and their abilities.

The question is: how do you re-make a re-make that was already pitch-perfect in its approach to re-making the original?

Anyone who's ever made a copy of a dubbed tape knows what's going to happen here. The first copy is always of great quality, but each subsequent copy has more and more audible hiss that eventually renders it unlistenable. I hope this perfectly cast and impeccably written show doesn't overexpose itself.

There's only so much juice you can squeeze out of an orange. Sooner or later, you just end up with a cup full of pulp that sticks in your teeth.

Who didn't like THAT analogy?

- Sugar