Alien Sex: Genesis

I don't know if anyone remembers the old "1-800-COLLECT" collect-calling commercials starring noted homosexual Mike Piazza and closeted homosexual alien ALF, but those two were FUCKING. Alright? Deal with it.

Humans mating with aliens is nothing new. In fact, it's been happening since even before recorded history. I could force you to read the actual evidence, but that would be a long and arduous task for both of us. You're going to have to just trust me on this. No one who worships The Bear from Harvey Birdman would lie to you. That Bear is the most fucking Zen creature ever. Some years ago, I took one look at that smiling face and knew the immutable glory of the world around me. I could suddenly recite passages verbatim from the Tao Te Ching, despite the fact that I had never read it. Am I a prophet? Maybe. Well, yes. But that's hardly the point. The point is, human beings are FUCKING aliens, and have been for some time.

Now here's the real bombshell. Are you ready? Mike Piazza is actually the leader of a secret alien cult, posing as a religion known as "Astronomology." His wife (beard) is a former Playboy Playmate who was artificially inseminated by a "mixed-cocktail" extracted from Piazza and ALF during one of their "commercials" together. In the alien world, making a collect call with someone is the most intimate thing you can do. Piazza and ALF fell in love, and sharing all the same religious beliefs, knew it was they who would have to propagate the HUMALIEN species. It is unknown if Piazza's "wife" was a willing participant in the insemination, or if she was simply brainwashed by THE ALIEN MIND CONTROL DOOM BEAM possessed by ALF's people.

Now, MIND CONTROL DOOM BEAMS have been used by the American Government for more than 60 years to trick people into approving tax breaks for the rich, but that's another story altogether. The aliens invented it, and we only happened upon the technology after discovering it during the Dumont, NJ Alien Incident during the 1920's. The aliens that landed in Dumont were making collect calls ALL OVER THE PLACE and thousands of HUMALIEN babies were born in Dumont. The people of Dumont were the perfect targets, due to their low intelligence caused by decades of inbreeding. Any inbred person living in the U.S. had been moved to Dumont during "The Great Relocation" of 1919.

Dumont also provides for a short commute to NYC's Financial District, where ALF and his brethren caused a massive stock market collapse which led to the Great Depression.

Atlantis? HUMALIENS FUCKED IT UP!
Sparta, Athens and all other Ancient Greek cities? HUMALIENS FUCKED THEM UP!
F.F. Woodycooks' chain of successful iced cream parlours? HUMALIENS FUCKED THEM UP!

That's what HUMALIENS do. They fuck shit up.

You may be asking yourself, "How does he know all this?" or "Why didn't WE know about the HUMALIENS?"

The answer to BOTH of those questions is: I was born better than you, and I will die better than you.

The brave men who help me keep the HUMALIENS at bay are the very same men who contribute to this site.

We see through the bullshit, so that you don't have to. You can just go on blindly enjoying your life, acting like HUMALIENS don't exist, acting like they're not out there possibly fixing your car or maybe even serving your iced cream...acting like your daughter won't one day be fucking a HUMALIEN.

There are steps to be taken to avoid such a miserable fate, but such actions won't be explicitly spelled out for you. You need to pay attention. You need to read between what's ALREADY been written between the lines: thought inside of thought, concept inside of concept, continuing on and on, ad infinitum.

We'll take you deep inside the fractal nature of human consciousness, and expose truths SO shocking they haven't even been invented yet.

And if you're lucky, maybe you'll even get a little bit of iced cream along the way.

Try to keep it off the new upholstery.

- Eli Sugar