Alien Sex: Get A Job

The company I currently work for is interviewing for entry-level positions. They even went as far as to take out an ad in the classifieds.

When you advertise a position on such a grand scale, you're bound to have some jokers come in that make you say, "Is this guy serious?"

Unfortunately, that's been the MAJORITY of the applicants.

In addition to the basic "what high school did you go to and who are your last 2 employers?" bullshit, there is also a LENGTHY personality profile, some math questions, and a 75-100 word essay to close everything out.

Why is the application so involved? To weed out the people that aren't really serious about the job.

If you can't sit down for 45 minutes to fill out some basic information about yourself, then you won't be able to get a job ANYWHERE.

One kid, for his 75-100 word essay, actually wrote, "I just want to be part of the team." That's it. That is literally ALL he wrote.

Well, I want to play for the Dodgers; I want to be part of THAT team. But, unfortunately, my desire is not enough. Why? Because the Dodgers still believe in the archaic notion that you should have to prove that you're qualified for the job before they just give it to you.

Even worse than the kids that don't fill out the application are the kids that fill out the entire thing, then hand it to ME. (I'm not a manager, or even an assistant, and have very little say in who gets hired and who doesn't, other than my boss occasionally asking me: "What did you think of that kid?")

They see me in khakis and a polo shirt, and assume I have some kind of authority. But instead of trying to make a positive first impression on me, they ask me stupid shit like, "What is the starting salary?" I had to actually tell one kid, "That's something we would discuss with you after we've reviewed your application, set up an interview, and offered you the job."

Is that an asshole thing to say? Absolutely. But, he asked an asshole question. The only bigger asshole question you can ask a prospective employer is, "How many vacation days would I get?"

One kid said to me, "I'm looking for at least $10 an hour, and I'm looking to get hired as soon as possible." The kid had a college degree, claimed to have a clean drivers' license and no police record, and actually seemed qualified to do the job. Is he going to get the job? Absolutely not.

Why?

Because I told my boss, "You're not hiring that kid."

Even though I have fairly little say in what goes on there, my boss does respect me enough to cross someone off the list if I've asked him to.

I've spent my entire life as a NY Giants fan, and do you know what I was doing during the 4th quarter of their spectacular Super Bowl win? I was getting ready for bed, because I had a job interview in the morning. I woke up, shaved, dressed like an adult and walked into that interview like a grown man. I got that job because I walked into the interview asking for the job. I wanted the job. Not just the money I would make as compensation, not the company car or the health benefits that are wonderful perks of my particular job...I wanted to actually show up there for 40+ hours a week and work my ass off. That's what I wanted, and they gave it to me. I applied for a position that wasn't even open, and they gave it to me.

These fucking guys are walking into an office that I spend my whole week in, and they're acting like I OWE THEM something. I don't owe you shit, and neither does my company. Sit down like the entry-level applicant that you are, and fill out a fucking application.

How about some fucking professionalism? Walk in dressed like an adult, speak like a man, and don't ask any stupid questions. You're not entitled to ANYTHING. Show up every day and work as hard as I do, then ask about compensation. Do something of value for the company. Believe it or not, just because someone "ranks higher" than you doesn't mean that they're doing less work for more money. In some companies, that is certainly the case, but you'll find that out after a few months on the job. Not during a 3 minute conversation with one of the salesmen.

3 minutes isn't long enough to find out anything worthwhile about a company; but it's more than enough for a company to figure out that you're a fucking piker.

- Eli