this may not be suitable for this blog, but Eduardo Da Silva, a 24 year old striker from Arsenal, the soccer team i like, sustained a horrifying injury in a match on saturday. he got hit low on the shin, on the outside of his left leg and it broke his fibula through his ankle bones. yeah. theisman-like. really gross, one of those ankle makes a 90% angle things. bone sticking out of the kid's leg. Martin Taylor came in with a high boot, spikes up, and may have ended a young guy's very promising career (he's from Brazil). Real shame, and i feel bad for him, and felt like sharing. I am sad. the video is off youtube, and they wouldnt even show it during the game due to the graphic nature, but if you find it, you'll be horrified like i was. ugh. poor guy.
Fucking over compensating English guys trying to make up for their feelings of emasculation for not playing a contact sport. sorry chaps, its not a contact sport. Rugby and American football are, along with hockey for sure. get over it. just terrible.
Tuesday, February 26, 2008
Saturday, February 23, 2008
Cartography: Minor Point
Just a small observation for the time being. I've been unemployed for a few months now (ladies.....), so ive had mostly free time, needless to say. In my experience C-Span is the only television channel worth watching for a discerning adult. ok. I'll narrow and say cable television channel. Conan is on NBC along with 30 rock and the office, and lets not forget Journey Man (Clortho); south park and dave chappelle stand up routines generally sandwich the daily show and colbert on Comedy Central and lets not forget the sunday morning ol' folks political pundit showdown before brunch on nearly every network.
I watch mostly channel thirteen's news programming as well as nature and science shows of all kinds. This allows me to dupe my sedentary self into being blithely and pretentiously assured of my own self worth and efficacy while i deteriorate into some sort of low-protein, high-fat paste, that would likely make an effective low cost cocktail to be fed intravenously to beef cattle or pork swine, and would likely be an additive to your favorite Value Meal item.
However whilst atrophying i do come to some conclusions that may help you "survivors." Here's the thing... C-Span may be the most important channel on all television, but only during late night. not dave late-night, not even carson late-night. Im talking leno again late-night. Try not downing your nightly ambien just this one time, maybe the night before a national holiday, and you be likely to see the process of your government in action in ways you thought were only the stuff of meaningless didactic pontification by quasi intellectuals and those who make points based on how "they think it works," when they know absolutely nothing about how it actually works.
Now heres the catch. Even though we can watch oversight and accountability in action, and learn the effectiveness and general ethical center of the 535 congressmen and women we elect and basically let loose on the budget, without the correct administration in control, guiding public and foreign policy, nothing comes of it. Policies proven fallacious are renewed and objections ignored. Programs and contracts shown to be rife with malfeasance, detrimental to stability or even human safety, continue and receive additional funding year after year.
Partisan politics simply do not work. All it facilitates is corruption, kick-backs and unpublished earmarks out the obese ass. Congress's approval rating is at like 11%. Granted americans are fucking idiots and they're just looking for a scapegoat, but at the same time, they havent been able to mobilize on anything, pretty much at all. Congress will always use pork-barrel politics. Always. That is unless you know about it and bitch them out; cause all they really wanna do is be senators and congress-people. They want desperately to be elected again and again. So if you watch C-Span really late at night, you can then competently call them on their shit and force them to govern in such a way that effectively maximizes YOUR money and puts it to use in ways that affect you positively.
Notice how the crucial breaking point of the greatest country ever's entire system of governance is only made public between the hours of 3 and 6 in the morning on basic cable, inconveniently buried within the preview, business and shopping channels. NO ONE WATCHES THOSE. What the fuck america? What the FUCK? Stop fucking up the best country ever. You are doing it. Tape that shit. Watch it after Idol for all i care. Just get it together so we can get more welfare so i never have to go back to work. For Fuck Sake. Help a brother out.
Hopefully if we all do our C-part, the mainstream media will actually report on the news items that allow our nation to effectively keep us safe and not waste our money in unimaginable ways. seriously. try and imagine Cost Plus. I dare you. Let's see you have the sack to explode an $80,000 long bed truck with a flat tire rather than change it so you get paid more after the accounting is CORRECTLY done. Then do it like 5 times a week for 6 blood-soaked years with escalating debt and you'll be invited to the same conferences for "Advancing American Interests" as KBR and CACI. Start watching. Start taping and tivoing. Start bitching and letter writing. maybe then i can get some sleep.
-mlyt
I watch mostly channel thirteen's news programming as well as nature and science shows of all kinds. This allows me to dupe my sedentary self into being blithely and pretentiously assured of my own self worth and efficacy while i deteriorate into some sort of low-protein, high-fat paste, that would likely make an effective low cost cocktail to be fed intravenously to beef cattle or pork swine, and would likely be an additive to your favorite Value Meal item.
However whilst atrophying i do come to some conclusions that may help you "survivors." Here's the thing... C-Span may be the most important channel on all television, but only during late night. not dave late-night, not even carson late-night. Im talking leno again late-night. Try not downing your nightly ambien just this one time, maybe the night before a national holiday, and you be likely to see the process of your government in action in ways you thought were only the stuff of meaningless didactic pontification by quasi intellectuals and those who make points based on how "they think it works," when they know absolutely nothing about how it actually works.
Now heres the catch. Even though we can watch oversight and accountability in action, and learn the effectiveness and general ethical center of the 535 congressmen and women we elect and basically let loose on the budget, without the correct administration in control, guiding public and foreign policy, nothing comes of it. Policies proven fallacious are renewed and objections ignored. Programs and contracts shown to be rife with malfeasance, detrimental to stability or even human safety, continue and receive additional funding year after year.
Partisan politics simply do not work. All it facilitates is corruption, kick-backs and unpublished earmarks out the obese ass. Congress's approval rating is at like 11%. Granted americans are fucking idiots and they're just looking for a scapegoat, but at the same time, they havent been able to mobilize on anything, pretty much at all. Congress will always use pork-barrel politics. Always. That is unless you know about it and bitch them out; cause all they really wanna do is be senators and congress-people. They want desperately to be elected again and again. So if you watch C-Span really late at night, you can then competently call them on their shit and force them to govern in such a way that effectively maximizes YOUR money and puts it to use in ways that affect you positively.
Notice how the crucial breaking point of the greatest country ever's entire system of governance is only made public between the hours of 3 and 6 in the morning on basic cable, inconveniently buried within the preview, business and shopping channels. NO ONE WATCHES THOSE. What the fuck america? What the FUCK? Stop fucking up the best country ever. You are doing it. Tape that shit. Watch it after Idol for all i care. Just get it together so we can get more welfare so i never have to go back to work. For Fuck Sake. Help a brother out.
Hopefully if we all do our C-part, the mainstream media will actually report on the news items that allow our nation to effectively keep us safe and not waste our money in unimaginable ways. seriously. try and imagine Cost Plus. I dare you. Let's see you have the sack to explode an $80,000 long bed truck with a flat tire rather than change it so you get paid more after the accounting is CORRECTLY done. Then do it like 5 times a week for 6 blood-soaked years with escalating debt and you'll be invited to the same conferences for "Advancing American Interests" as KBR and CACI. Start watching. Start taping and tivoing. Start bitching and letter writing. maybe then i can get some sleep.
-mlyt
Friday, February 22, 2008
Alien Sex: Further Proof
There's a new movie coming to a theater near you.
It's called "U2:3D"
Guess what it's about........
Go on, I'll wait.
That's right.
It's just a U2 concert, but it's in 3D.
So, not only are you paying good money to see Bono's extreme record-setting narcissism, but you have to wear stupid glasses to do it.
I'm gonna hang out in front of movie theaters all over the country with a loaded gun, just waiting for pretentious assholes to walk out with their fucking blue/red glasses, talking about how "it was a once in a lifetime experience."
We already knew the HUMALIENS were breeding.
Now they're making major motion-pictures.
I will not stand for this.
- Suge
It's called "U2:3D"
Guess what it's about........
Go on, I'll wait.
That's right.
It's just a U2 concert, but it's in 3D.
So, not only are you paying good money to see Bono's extreme record-setting narcissism, but you have to wear stupid glasses to do it.
I'm gonna hang out in front of movie theaters all over the country with a loaded gun, just waiting for pretentious assholes to walk out with their fucking blue/red glasses, talking about how "it was a once in a lifetime experience."
We already knew the HUMALIENS were breeding.
Now they're making major motion-pictures.
I will not stand for this.
- Suge
Sunday, February 17, 2008
Alien Sex: Byron Vs. Bell - Conclusion
That's right fuckers, I reserve the right to conclude any ongoing series I want at any time. Since I've already revealed to my fellow visionaries that the entire contest was going to be a push, I'll just summarize.
Kari Byron - Stop dying your hair, you had a perfect shade going.
Deanne Bell - Your asymmetrical smile owns me, and I dig long, dark, straight hair.
Conclusion - Push.
We Pumanthers are quite impatient.
So fuck you, imaginary guy that just happened to stumble across this blog accidentally and doesn't like that I didn't complete the series. I have more important prey to kill.
Until next time, keep your crunches tight.
- Sweetness
And where the fuck is the rest of my squad? I'm carrying this blog. I'm like Peyton Manning if he were playing for this year's Dolphins. Step your shit up.
Kari Byron - Stop dying your hair, you had a perfect shade going.
Deanne Bell - Your asymmetrical smile owns me, and I dig long, dark, straight hair.
Conclusion - Push.
We Pumanthers are quite impatient.
So fuck you, imaginary guy that just happened to stumble across this blog accidentally and doesn't like that I didn't complete the series. I have more important prey to kill.
Until next time, keep your crunches tight.
- Sweetness
And where the fuck is the rest of my squad? I'm carrying this blog. I'm like Peyton Manning if he were playing for this year's Dolphins. Step your shit up.
Thursday, February 14, 2008
Alien Sex: Byron vs. Bell, Pt. 1 - Eyes
This is part 1 of an ongoing internal debate between the two halves of my brain. In it, I hope to settle once and for all which one of the Discovery Channel's "Science Sexpots" would indeed be my preferred partner.
In the interest of full disclosure, no matter how many installments of this series I make, it should be noted that my Pumanther seed is plentiful and highly potent. Whoever wins this particular part would only score a minor victory. For you see, although the battle may be awarded to one of them, the war can potentially be won by both. We Pumanthers are like lions. We spread our seed for the good of the race, and always protect our territory. What's stopping me from just hanging on to both of them? Nothing. But it's worth stirring the debate.
Eyes are an important feature for the Pumanther. Our incredible sight enables us to successfully stalk our prey, and the art of Pumanther seduction lies almost solely in the eyes. The eyes, it has been suggested, are “the window of the soul.” (Research also suggests that pupil diameter is a major indicator of cortical dopamine levels, but we won’t follow that road. Trust me, any lady lucky enough to be in my presence won’t have any trouble getting her dopamine levels up.)
My 20/15 vision was one of the first indicators that I was, in fact, a Pumanther. As such, I’m not concerned with who has the better eye-sight, simply with who has the more attractive eyes. Regardless of eye-sight, I’m going to make her wear glasses, simply because I think it’s sexy. They can be fake and transparent glasses with no magnifying properties to them at all; it really doesn’t matter to me. I like the accessory itself, and the illusion of intelligence it creates. (Although, as we’ll discuss in later installments, neither lady needs any help appearing intelligent.)
So, enough exposition. Let’s get down to it.
Kari Byron seems like she wears a fair amount of eye makeup. I’m no fan of makeup of any kind, and this is a serious strike against her. However, if we’re judging simply by eye color, Byron takes the cake. Kari has what appear to be VERY LIGHT BROWN eyes that seem to almost border on yellow. Assuming this isn’t an affect created by some kind of colored contacts, Kari Byron is naturally more like the Pumanther, and therefore may be more readily able to accept my seed.
Deanne Bell has dark, brooding, bedroom eyes, which may actually give her an advantage during our courtship. I’m a sucker for dark features, as we’ll discuss later in the “hair” installment. There is a certain devilishness behind her eyes when she smiles (oh trust me, there’s a smile installment) and she just has that “it” factor that let’s me know she’d look better in the glasses I’d be forcing her to wear.
Verdict for Part 1 - Eyes: Push.
I simply can’t decide, and will continue to pursue both of them. It may seem like a stupid move to select BOTH on Valentine's Day, but this isn't the first time I've sent out more than one Valentine invitation. Ladies......
Upcoming installments include (but are not limited to): Hair, Smile, Body, Intelligence, Personality, and Overall Attractiveness. (For the record, we already know Overall Attractiveness is going to be a Push, otherwise we (I) wouldn’t have started this debate to begin with).
Sunday, February 10, 2008
Alien Sex: Random Sunday Thoughts, Vol. 1
Grizzly bears are awesome.
If your daughter thinks that Paris Hilton's life is in any way interesting, you've gotta feel like you somewhat failed as a father.
How long before Bed Bugs really take over the world?
Wolves are just as awesome as grizzly bears. Possibly even more awesome.
True story: my cousin (who is about 20 years older than me) bought a wolf puppy and raised it himself for a little over a year. I, as a 4 or 5 year old boy, was actually lucky enough to have the experience of playing with a wolf puppy. A wolf has sat on my lap, it has licked my face. My child hands were in the mouth of a wolf, and it gently and playfully gnawed on my fingers. Wolves are awesome.
Unfortunately, after about 16-18 months, it was just getting too big, and too independent. My cousin awoke in the middle of the night to find the wolf sitting and staring at him from across the room. Two thoughts went through his mind:
1) This thing could completely maul me right now if it wanted to.
2) He really belongs with other wolves, not in my apartment.
He gave him to a zoo. I can’t remember which one.
The NFL should really get rid of the Pro Bowl.
I get paid to do basically nothing tomorrow. Though that will change quickly.
Pitchers and catchers report this week.
- Eli
If your daughter thinks that Paris Hilton's life is in any way interesting, you've gotta feel like you somewhat failed as a father.
How long before Bed Bugs really take over the world?
Wolves are just as awesome as grizzly bears. Possibly even more awesome.
True story: my cousin (who is about 20 years older than me) bought a wolf puppy and raised it himself for a little over a year. I, as a 4 or 5 year old boy, was actually lucky enough to have the experience of playing with a wolf puppy. A wolf has sat on my lap, it has licked my face. My child hands were in the mouth of a wolf, and it gently and playfully gnawed on my fingers. Wolves are awesome.
Unfortunately, after about 16-18 months, it was just getting too big, and too independent. My cousin awoke in the middle of the night to find the wolf sitting and staring at him from across the room. Two thoughts went through his mind:
1) This thing could completely maul me right now if it wanted to.
2) He really belongs with other wolves, not in my apartment.
He gave him to a zoo. I can’t remember which one.
The NFL should really get rid of the Pro Bowl.
I get paid to do basically nothing tomorrow. Though that will change quickly.
Pitchers and catchers report this week.
- Eli
Saturday, February 9, 2008
Cartography: we ARE breeding
in case you pion, xenophobic sapiens were wondering: thats puma on top (sternum and up), man in the middle ([shredded] abdominal torso and genitals), and panther on the bottom (ass, legs and tail).
SO, for the ladies in particular this means we eye you like you were Cindy Brady on a family Zoo trip as you pass by the puma cage; we grasp you with rippling adamantium strength muscular arms, sheathed in suede as soft as fine satin cloth; we make sweet, passionate, animal love to you with our man's torso and waterworks; and in case you were wondering, . . we've got black legs. yeah, thats right. we can dance our feline asses off, so you know we're real good at it.
most importantly though, is that the average (right!) pumanther has all the animal cunning and instincts his striking features lead one to believe, but at his core lies a human's heart and brain. So we really don't want to purr and cuddle and shit afterwards.
I mean, we will,.. at first. but eventually i wanna get some sleep. i've got to kill like 30 deer tomorrow. i have that contract with the morris county highway safety commission. and though it hurts my humane empathetic sensibilities to do it, fuck do i love the taste of blood.
ladies.....
- mlyt
SO, for the ladies in particular this means we eye you like you were Cindy Brady on a family Zoo trip as you pass by the puma cage; we grasp you with rippling adamantium strength muscular arms, sheathed in suede as soft as fine satin cloth; we make sweet, passionate, animal love to you with our man's torso and waterworks; and in case you were wondering, . . we've got black legs. yeah, thats right. we can dance our feline asses off, so you know we're real good at it.
most importantly though, is that the average (right!) pumanther has all the animal cunning and instincts his striking features lead one to believe, but at his core lies a human's heart and brain. So we really don't want to purr and cuddle and shit afterwards.
I mean, we will,.. at first. but eventually i wanna get some sleep. i've got to kill like 30 deer tomorrow. i have that contract with the morris county highway safety commission. and though it hurts my humane empathetic sensibilities to do it, fuck do i love the taste of blood.
ladies.....
- mlyt
Alien Sex: WE are breeding.
Pumanthers = part Puma, part Human, part Panther.
There are very few of us, and we tend to like it that way. Makes hunting easier. Fewer mouths to feed.
You will learn more about us in time.
For now, suffice it to say that we can/should/must/will maul you if provoked...or even if we just get bored.
It should be noted, however, that we wish to spread our seed.
Ladies.....
There are very few of us, and we tend to like it that way. Makes hunting easier. Fewer mouths to feed.
You will learn more about us in time.
For now, suffice it to say that we can/should/must/will maul you if provoked...or even if we just get bored.
It should be noted, however, that we wish to spread our seed.
Ladies.....
I like to call it Lost Wages: And I like to call myself...
friendly, but you'll see enough of that in our time together.
Alright, I'm tired of telling you what I am. So let's play Reversi while I tell you what I am NOT.
I am NOT one of the bleeding heart liberals that are all over this blog. I have a latent and true respect for the way America is currently working. I think money is good, and I'd like to swim in some one day. More importantly, to mock Mike Huckabee is to mock everything he's ever done, and his fake college deserves better than that.
I am NOT some faggot ass poet.
I am a serious intellectual, and you should know it.
I am NOT ok with everyone cussing left and right. But I'll be goddamned if I don't respect these motherfuckers' cunt-slapping First Amend-cocksucking-ment rights. For the ass shitting record, crunch is a c-shit-u-piss-s-pussy-s word.
I am NOT uninitiated in the human condition. On the contrary, I go to law school and, as such, I see the inner workings of all aspects of society. It is with this insight that I load my commentary-gun. I'm shooting a double-barrel of knowledge-shot right into your graying temples.
Now onto important lessons for everyone.
1. I don't want you to think, that I think, that I am better than you. To the contrary, I KNOW I'm better than you, and I want YOU to THINK (or KNOW and be wrong) you're better than me. That makes steps 6-12 of my life plan go much smoother... FOR BOTH OF US.
2. I don't want you to tell me how Candidate X will change my life come November and Candidate Y is the fifth coming of the devil (the first four comings all being Henry Clay). There are precious few difference between ANY of the candidates, and those differences can be called Babies and Gays. This opens the floor for differences on Gay-bies, but regardless any changes on these fronts have to be done through amendments and we know how easy it is to pass those. So in Novemeber, I'll be casting my vote for 11 am Mimosas and three-dozen pizza rolls, that should render me close enough to John Q. Public that I can vote accordingly.
3. Al Gore is an asshole. Don't get me wrong, I'm no anti-evolution bible-monkey... er, bible-human. I don't think Al Gore is wrong about global warming, but I think he isn't right enough to make a difference. In fact, he has probably hurt the cause more than not. Thank god bees are dying to let people know this shit is serious.
4. Never follow a hippy to a second location.
5. The unstoppable tandem of Mike Huckabee and Chuck Norris, a.k.a (affectionately know as) Chuck-abee, can only be countered by a democratic ticket featuring Mr. T. making the death match monumental. It would pit the Chuck-abee against either B.A. Barack or Clinton Lang.
Hey, let me tell you about your new best friend,
- BARNABY JONES
Nap.
Alright, I'm tired of telling you what I am. So let's play Reversi while I tell you what I am NOT.
I am NOT one of the bleeding heart liberals that are all over this blog. I have a latent and true respect for the way America is currently working. I think money is good, and I'd like to swim in some one day. More importantly, to mock Mike Huckabee is to mock everything he's ever done, and his fake college deserves better than that.
I am NOT some faggot ass poet.
I am a serious intellectual, and you should know it.
I am NOT ok with everyone cussing left and right. But I'll be goddamned if I don't respect these motherfuckers' cunt-slapping First Amend-cocksucking-ment rights. For the ass shitting record, crunch is a c-shit-u-piss-s-pussy-s word.
I am NOT uninitiated in the human condition. On the contrary, I go to law school and, as such, I see the inner workings of all aspects of society. It is with this insight that I load my commentary-gun. I'm shooting a double-barrel of knowledge-shot right into your graying temples.
Now onto important lessons for everyone.
1. I don't want you to think, that I think, that I am better than you. To the contrary, I KNOW I'm better than you, and I want YOU to THINK (or KNOW and be wrong) you're better than me. That makes steps 6-12 of my life plan go much smoother... FOR BOTH OF US.
2. I don't want you to tell me how Candidate X will change my life come November and Candidate Y is the fifth coming of the devil (the first four comings all being Henry Clay). There are precious few difference between ANY of the candidates, and those differences can be called Babies and Gays. This opens the floor for differences on Gay-bies, but regardless any changes on these fronts have to be done through amendments and we know how easy it is to pass those. So in Novemeber, I'll be casting my vote for 11 am Mimosas and three-dozen pizza rolls, that should render me close enough to John Q. Public that I can vote accordingly.
3. Al Gore is an asshole. Don't get me wrong, I'm no anti-evolution bible-monkey... er, bible-human. I don't think Al Gore is wrong about global warming, but I think he isn't right enough to make a difference. In fact, he has probably hurt the cause more than not. Thank god bees are dying to let people know this shit is serious.
4. Never follow a hippy to a second location.
5. The unstoppable tandem of Mike Huckabee and Chuck Norris, a.k.a (affectionately know as) Chuck-abee, can only be countered by a democratic ticket featuring Mr. T. making the death match monumental. It would pit the Chuck-abee against either B.A. Barack or Clinton Lang.
Hey, let me tell you about your new best friend,
- BARNABY JONES
Nap.
Friday, February 8, 2008
Alien Sex: Rabbit Holes, etc.
This rhyme-scheme is for you
To take the sting out of your eye
This is no call to arms, you see
We have no battle cry
To point you toward the truth:
“The Banshee caught a hold of me,
She bit me in the tooth.”
Who keep you on your iron lung
Linguistic Chieftains…
We can speak your ragged Pagan tongue
Are all you’ve ever heard
We sing for you a symphony
Of muted minor thirds
The committee brought to light
The march of sons and daughters
Who are in their father’s fight
Led us down the rabbit hole
It’s Walrus Vs. Carpenter,
With neither in control
Atop the looking glass
You put them up your nostrils
Then you make your way to class
Who was off in such a rush:
He’s made of mostly water,
Soul impossible to crush
By eternal lunar tides
He floats in the endless ocean
Where infinity resides
We all do, for the moment
There is a war to win, you see
Though we have no opponent
Blindly followed turn by turn
Ignoring your objections
There are further maps to burn
A group that’s hard to hate
We swallow what’s been offered us
But never clean our plate
And there is no greater lesson
Just questions and hypotheses
The wisdom’s in the guessing
We’re always inconsistent
Tomorrow was like yesterday
Today is always different
- Sugar
Thursday, February 7, 2008
I Hate To Do It: You Don't Deserve a Vote
I feel bad about this. But I don't.
I'm torn. But I shouldn't be.
Look. At this point in my life, I've been around the block once. Others my age are nearing a block and half. Good for them. I hear the Peabody’s set up a sprinkler on their front lawn this time around. I'm looking forward to that, and if I’m frugal, I can play in it when I get there.
Others still, on this life block, are lagging behind. They’re comfortable enjoying the scenery and the beautiful shrubs that Chock Tadio’s wife put up. Thats fine.
And being where I am, I can say that life as it is now, and more so later on, is not easy. I'm not talking about "trial" life, cause that shit was a joke. I'm talking about when the real shit kicks in. Jobs, Dating, Bills, Taxes, etc. Then you got Mortgages, Children, and Retirement and so on.
I mean, I can do it. I'm a responsible grown-ass man. I can, and I will. Even those laggards will figure it out. Otherwise, we'd have a REAL hobo problem. Homeless literally through the fucking roof. Well, I suppose not through the literal roof. If they had one to be through, they wouldn’t be...well you get it, you get it.
Literally, homeless through the hypothetical roof.
And now with a crude understanding of my even cruder socio-intellectual analogy, I present to you, a new low.
Working on a small business selling political merchandise, I received this email from an ardent Barack Obama supporter.
*Not A Real Name
I’ve read these few sentences more times than I’ve listened to my favorite song, ate my favorite ice cream, said my own name, and read Mary Elizabeth Winstead and Zooey Deschanel’s IMDB biography COMBINED.
The first time I read this I made this face
And what keeps me so flabbergasted every time I allow this nonsense into my brain, is that this person wrote this email from a house, on a computer, with the internet. And they payed for all of that stuff. They’re doing it. Life.
And so now we’re here. In this leap year of leap years. And we Americans have the ability to make an impact on the world that is so important to the future, that whenever Mike Huckabee speaks I can hear my unborn 2nd son’s unborn daughter screaming from inside my scrotum.
And everyone has equal say.
I'm torn. But I shouldn't be.
Look. At this point in my life, I've been around the block once. Others my age are nearing a block and half. Good for them. I hear the Peabody’s set up a sprinkler on their front lawn this time around. I'm looking forward to that, and if I’m frugal, I can play in it when I get there.
Others still, on this life block, are lagging behind. They’re comfortable enjoying the scenery and the beautiful shrubs that Chock Tadio’s wife put up. Thats fine.
And being where I am, I can say that life as it is now, and more so later on, is not easy. I'm not talking about "trial" life, cause that shit was a joke. I'm talking about when the real shit kicks in. Jobs, Dating, Bills, Taxes, etc. Then you got Mortgages, Children, and Retirement and so on.
I mean, I can do it. I'm a responsible grown-ass man. I can, and I will. Even those laggards will figure it out. Otherwise, we'd have a REAL hobo problem. Homeless literally through the fucking roof. Well, I suppose not through the literal roof. If they had one to be through, they wouldn’t be...well you get it, you get it.
Literally, homeless through the hypothetical roof.
And now with a crude understanding of my even cruder socio-intellectual analogy, I present to you, a new low.
Working on a small business selling political merchandise, I received this email from an ardent Barack Obama supporter.
Congrats to him on S. Carolina win today!
To keep this win win going......have him ask his audience before he leaves
the stage,"WHO do you want for pres. to get the change you want?" The audience
will then holler his name......Have Obama say"I didn't hear you! The crowd
will holler louder.....and begin clapping for him. This MUST be done. Have Obama
ask the crowd"Who's gonna talk to others about my campaign?" Crowd will answer
"we will"......
Obama anwsers"You do his & we all will win in Nov."
I feel this will strongly help him win again & again.
Sir Willups Brightslymoore*
*Not A Real Name
I’ve read these few sentences more times than I’ve listened to my favorite song, ate my favorite ice cream, said my own name, and read Mary Elizabeth Winstead and Zooey Deschanel’s IMDB biography COMBINED.
The first time I read this I made this face
And what keeps me so flabbergasted every time I allow this nonsense into my brain, is that this person wrote this email from a house, on a computer, with the internet. And they payed for all of that stuff. They’re doing it. Life.
And so now we’re here. In this leap year of leap years. And we Americans have the ability to make an impact on the world that is so important to the future, that whenever Mike Huckabee speaks I can hear my unborn 2nd son’s unborn daughter screaming from inside my scrotum.
And everyone has equal say.
Lemme Juss...Tell You What Happened Today
Warning: The following article should not be a watermark for the usual level of seriousness found in my articles. They will be even MORE serious, dead serious, from now on. Watch.
So I work for the MDA right now, and part of my job is calling people to get them to go to this fundraising event called the Lock-Up. How it works is, they are pretending to arrest someone for an hour during the day, usually a business owner, and that business owner has to notify everyone they can to try and get money donated to the MDA on their behalf; they refer to it as "bail," just like when real charges are filed against you for sodomy. I lay this out for background to what happened at work today, something that really bothered me to the Tootsie Roll® core of my being. My coworker, lets call him Zuul, called a man, gave the beginning part of our little shpiel describing the fundraiser, and just about the part where Zuul was talking about how the money raised goes towards sending some local kids with Muscular Dystrophy to a summer camp, he alerted Zuul to the fact that he was offended by the whole theme. Zuul stopped, and proceeded to ask him why he was offended by the idea of being locked up to benefit a charity. The man said that, as a black individual, he didn't find it the least bit cute or even acceptable that the theme for the event was "going to jail." He stated that it was offensive to a black man, to tell them they are getting arrested for a good cause, because of how the prison system has taken advantage of the black community. He then, in a move so ignorant, self-absorbed, and downright unfounded, stated that this was comparable to "asking a Jew to go to a gas chamber for fun and raise money." Now, Zuul is an African-american male as well, a strapping young lad if I may say, and he told me about this as soon as he got off the phone. I was apalled, of course, then shocked at the reaction it garnered from not only Zuul, but another coworker of mine, a young jewish female; we'll call her Padme. Zuul and Padme, after briefly discussing the facts of the conversation, actually said they understood where he was coming from with his statements, and Padme, to my flabbergastation, said she actually might AGREE with him! She's jewish! Are you kidding me? Needless to say, I was in absolute shock, and proceeded to argue with my coworkers, in a civilized fashion, about how ridiculous it is to compare a mock lock-up to a fake GAS CHAMBER. As a member of neither party involved, I was personally offended by the notion that someone could compare these two completely different situations with such non-chalance. Don't get me wrong, I am no apologist to the U.S. prison system; there are far more problems with the notion of "corrections" in this country than there is space here to list. But wait a minute now, are you seriously going to tell me, because a vastly disproportionate number of black males are encarcerated in the prison system, that now it is comparable to a regime of ethnic cleansing? You want me to believe that we can liken a judicial punishment system, in which it is basically unarguable that the majority of individuals incarcerated actually do deserve to be there, to a mass gathering, relocation, and extermination of a group of people based solely on ethnicity? Are you listening to yourself? I was honestly livid, and had to stop talking about it, because I started to get the "you don't have the first-hand perspective on it that you need" garbage that so often simply enables people to say whatever ludicrous idea they come up with. And truthfully, I also had to stop because I was about a half a pack of Smarties away from telling Padme that if she thinks the two are comparable, she should ask a Holocaust survivor for their thoughts and watch the shit get smacked out of her, probably by her own grandmother. That sounds harsh, but seriously, you'd get the same response you would if you told Buzz Aldrin at a bar that the moon landing never happened. The thing is, it's not only the unbelievably audacious statement itself that pissed me off, it's also the fact that someone actually thinks that it is okay to make statements like that. It is not okay. Racial profiling, as wrong as it is, does NOT equal genecide, and to suggest so is unacceptable. I wish I had been on the phone with that man, because I bet no one has ever had the balls to rebuke a statement he has ever made concerning race. A minority talking about race has become an untouchable entity, even if what is being said is completely without merit and frankly quite offensive itself.
The idea of reverse racism is something I've been just as upset with recently as racism itself, because it should never be okay to honestly accuse someone of racism when there is no logical foundation for it; though it does seem to be okay and happens all the time. The most visible example for me came during the NBA dress code controversy while back, which many people felt was a racist policy for targeting black players and making them dress "like white people." Wait, so what you're saying is, a black man can't wear a suit, right? That's what you're saying, because you think that making everyone wear suits on the sidelines is racist against black players. When you follow something called logic, it is plain to see that you are, in fact, assuming not only that most white people wear and want to wear suits, but that most black people don't and don't want to. Sounds a little judgemental to me, maybe even, a little RACIST? Assholes. The NBA can make you wear whatever they want on the sidelines, because they EMPLOY you, you have a CONTRACT, and you signed up for all of this when you agreed to make millions of dollars a year to throw a ball at a circle. Like you're a victim. Assholes.
Then there's another realm that is distinctly different, but definitely related and bothersome in it's own right, thought not nearly to the same extent. These are things that insult MY intelligence and perspective, as someone who strives to NOT be a racist on a regular basis. I saw a commercial the other day, which showed a mailbox, then a traffic light, then a young African-american boy (I usually say black because African-american assumes that the person is of African descent and is an American citizen, which may not be true, but i'll assume this time). It told me, in an instructive tone reminiscent of a modern children's program, that both the traffic light AND the mailbox were invented by African-americans, and that I should support African-american education by giving money to a certain fund. I'm all for education the young minds of our society, that's fine, but why did you need to tell me that African-americans invented things? What, did you think that I thought that African-americans never invented anything? I'm not a racist, I don't assume that African-americans can't do anything on their own, so don't act like you're telling me something surprising. If a commercial came out which told everyone that a white person invented something, we would all let out a resounding "Yea, and?", which is what I did when I saw the real commercial. And it's what we should all do. Give money to education because it's helping less fortunate youth get a better chance, not because a commercial just proved to you that African-americans actually CAN do useful things. Black people INVENT SHIT? HOLY FUCKING ASS, NO WAY! Give me a break.
Stay tuned for the second part of this peice, in which we explore my take on the societal issues that Zombies must face on a night-to-night basis.
So I work for the MDA right now, and part of my job is calling people to get them to go to this fundraising event called the Lock-Up. How it works is, they are pretending to arrest someone for an hour during the day, usually a business owner, and that business owner has to notify everyone they can to try and get money donated to the MDA on their behalf; they refer to it as "bail," just like when real charges are filed against you for sodomy. I lay this out for background to what happened at work today, something that really bothered me to the Tootsie Roll® core of my being. My coworker, lets call him Zuul, called a man, gave the beginning part of our little shpiel describing the fundraiser, and just about the part where Zuul was talking about how the money raised goes towards sending some local kids with Muscular Dystrophy to a summer camp, he alerted Zuul to the fact that he was offended by the whole theme. Zuul stopped, and proceeded to ask him why he was offended by the idea of being locked up to benefit a charity. The man said that, as a black individual, he didn't find it the least bit cute or even acceptable that the theme for the event was "going to jail." He stated that it was offensive to a black man, to tell them they are getting arrested for a good cause, because of how the prison system has taken advantage of the black community. He then, in a move so ignorant, self-absorbed, and downright unfounded, stated that this was comparable to "asking a Jew to go to a gas chamber for fun and raise money." Now, Zuul is an African-american male as well, a strapping young lad if I may say, and he told me about this as soon as he got off the phone. I was apalled, of course, then shocked at the reaction it garnered from not only Zuul, but another coworker of mine, a young jewish female; we'll call her Padme. Zuul and Padme, after briefly discussing the facts of the conversation, actually said they understood where he was coming from with his statements, and Padme, to my flabbergastation, said she actually might AGREE with him! She's jewish! Are you kidding me? Needless to say, I was in absolute shock, and proceeded to argue with my coworkers, in a civilized fashion, about how ridiculous it is to compare a mock lock-up to a fake GAS CHAMBER. As a member of neither party involved, I was personally offended by the notion that someone could compare these two completely different situations with such non-chalance. Don't get me wrong, I am no apologist to the U.S. prison system; there are far more problems with the notion of "corrections" in this country than there is space here to list. But wait a minute now, are you seriously going to tell me, because a vastly disproportionate number of black males are encarcerated in the prison system, that now it is comparable to a regime of ethnic cleansing? You want me to believe that we can liken a judicial punishment system, in which it is basically unarguable that the majority of individuals incarcerated actually do deserve to be there, to a mass gathering, relocation, and extermination of a group of people based solely on ethnicity? Are you listening to yourself? I was honestly livid, and had to stop talking about it, because I started to get the "you don't have the first-hand perspective on it that you need" garbage that so often simply enables people to say whatever ludicrous idea they come up with. And truthfully, I also had to stop because I was about a half a pack of Smarties away from telling Padme that if she thinks the two are comparable, she should ask a Holocaust survivor for their thoughts and watch the shit get smacked out of her, probably by her own grandmother. That sounds harsh, but seriously, you'd get the same response you would if you told Buzz Aldrin at a bar that the moon landing never happened. The thing is, it's not only the unbelievably audacious statement itself that pissed me off, it's also the fact that someone actually thinks that it is okay to make statements like that. It is not okay. Racial profiling, as wrong as it is, does NOT equal genecide, and to suggest so is unacceptable. I wish I had been on the phone with that man, because I bet no one has ever had the balls to rebuke a statement he has ever made concerning race. A minority talking about race has become an untouchable entity, even if what is being said is completely without merit and frankly quite offensive itself.
The idea of reverse racism is something I've been just as upset with recently as racism itself, because it should never be okay to honestly accuse someone of racism when there is no logical foundation for it; though it does seem to be okay and happens all the time. The most visible example for me came during the NBA dress code controversy while back, which many people felt was a racist policy for targeting black players and making them dress "like white people." Wait, so what you're saying is, a black man can't wear a suit, right? That's what you're saying, because you think that making everyone wear suits on the sidelines is racist against black players. When you follow something called logic, it is plain to see that you are, in fact, assuming not only that most white people wear and want to wear suits, but that most black people don't and don't want to. Sounds a little judgemental to me, maybe even, a little RACIST? Assholes. The NBA can make you wear whatever they want on the sidelines, because they EMPLOY you, you have a CONTRACT, and you signed up for all of this when you agreed to make millions of dollars a year to throw a ball at a circle. Like you're a victim. Assholes.
Then there's another realm that is distinctly different, but definitely related and bothersome in it's own right, thought not nearly to the same extent. These are things that insult MY intelligence and perspective, as someone who strives to NOT be a racist on a regular basis. I saw a commercial the other day, which showed a mailbox, then a traffic light, then a young African-american boy (I usually say black because African-american assumes that the person is of African descent and is an American citizen, which may not be true, but i'll assume this time). It told me, in an instructive tone reminiscent of a modern children's program, that both the traffic light AND the mailbox were invented by African-americans, and that I should support African-american education by giving money to a certain fund. I'm all for education the young minds of our society, that's fine, but why did you need to tell me that African-americans invented things? What, did you think that I thought that African-americans never invented anything? I'm not a racist, I don't assume that African-americans can't do anything on their own, so don't act like you're telling me something surprising. If a commercial came out which told everyone that a white person invented something, we would all let out a resounding "Yea, and?", which is what I did when I saw the real commercial. And it's what we should all do. Give money to education because it's helping less fortunate youth get a better chance, not because a commercial just proved to you that African-americans actually CAN do useful things. Black people INVENT SHIT? HOLY FUCKING ASS, NO WAY! Give me a break.
Stay tuned for the second part of this peice, in which we explore my take on the societal issues that Zombies must face on a night-to-night basis.
Cartography: ...so im home, slammin on my crunch
i am nervous. and will likely never use correct punctuation or capitalization; get with it. also i'm writing all these posts on a laptop laying in my bed, so have deep, penetrative, violating anal sex with that! squares. pfft. i need not your plebian conventions. i just need a feed bag and diaper; maybe a powder or 2 now and again. kind word would be nice... some reassurance. dont know really. what i do know is that i need maps. always. . . all kinds. i need a map to get to the bleedin map aisle of the map store in a map depot at the end of the map seminar at the map-maker's convention (played at by the map hatters). So take it from me, . . no i mean litterally take it from me, i dont use em. Just because you need a thing, doesnt mean you have to have it. its called zen bitches. my esteemed colleague referred to it in a previous blog which i wont refer you to because i cant.
i just make decisions on the basis of whether or not i feel like it. is there a gutteral intonation towards or to wit im disinclined to follow? For you see babies, ive already told you ive no sense of direction, so a step in the direction of my choosing, is a move in the wrong direction. I have never in my life been at a crossroads and made the correct choice. Im talking like 100%. never. niente. nunca. ice cream. foxtrot.
What does this mean? Only time will tell. and in my experience she's a mum dried up wrinkly old bitch. cool party. Now.. i think the art of cartography and surveyorship are fine dignified and truly noble pursuits. but the truth seems to me that the more we understand of ourselves in relation to our environment and one another, the more we feel the need to assimilate and divide. to me, all things are foreign, all persons are foreigners, im a stranger to everyone, and i've no idea where the fuck i am. so i depend on the kindness of strangers, and not in a freeloading, backroom driving, polock-bashing, delusional southern cunt sort of way. its more of an unimposing, apologetic, glad to lend a hand with your bags out to the car if you'll politely tell me how to get home from this porn shoppe i frequent. because you see, i dont just get lost once. no no no. I get lost from the same places , to the same destinations all sorts of ways. and i may well need these directions again.
So thats it really. My take on things to start out. remember, be nice to the strangers you meet on unfamiliar roads, so long as you carry your ego in your hat and a puzzled look they may well get you home more than once. but not if you're sasquatch. if you're sasquatch the rules are different.
- mrlastyearstown
i just make decisions on the basis of whether or not i feel like it. is there a gutteral intonation towards or to wit im disinclined to follow? For you see babies, ive already told you ive no sense of direction, so a step in the direction of my choosing, is a move in the wrong direction. I have never in my life been at a crossroads and made the correct choice. Im talking like 100%. never. niente. nunca. ice cream. foxtrot.
What does this mean? Only time will tell. and in my experience she's a mum dried up wrinkly old bitch. cool party. Now.. i think the art of cartography and surveyorship are fine dignified and truly noble pursuits. but the truth seems to me that the more we understand of ourselves in relation to our environment and one another, the more we feel the need to assimilate and divide. to me, all things are foreign, all persons are foreigners, im a stranger to everyone, and i've no idea where the fuck i am. so i depend on the kindness of strangers, and not in a freeloading, backroom driving, polock-bashing, delusional southern cunt sort of way. its more of an unimposing, apologetic, glad to lend a hand with your bags out to the car if you'll politely tell me how to get home from this porn shoppe i frequent. because you see, i dont just get lost once. no no no. I get lost from the same places , to the same destinations all sorts of ways. and i may well need these directions again.
So thats it really. My take on things to start out. remember, be nice to the strangers you meet on unfamiliar roads, so long as you carry your ego in your hat and a puzzled look they may well get you home more than once. but not if you're sasquatch. if you're sasquatch the rules are different.
- mrlastyearstown
Wednesday, February 6, 2008
Alien Sex: I Am Mr. Peanut (and to a much lesser extent, The Walrus)
My father is a bona fide peanut lover. He hides his own personal stash under his workbench in the basement, so that no one else in the house can get to it. Sure, there are still some peanuts in the kitchen for all to share, but the good stuff is in the stash.
Have I ever violated the sanctity of the stash? Bite your tongue, heathen. NEVER. And you can bet your worthless life I never will. But I've seen it, and I swear to everything you believe in:
It...Is...Immaculate.
Why do I bring this up? To establish my credibility as a witness.
Inherent in my DNA is the peanut connoisseur gene. I can tell a bad peanut from 15 feet away.
The Perfect Peanut?
I've unfortunately never met the perfect peanut, though I hope to some day. We'll settle down and have two little EliNuts of our own to run and play with. It will all be just grand.
But I digress.
I can confirm, for example, that, in the botanical sense, the peanut is neither a pea NOR a nut... it is officially considered a legume. Would any casual peanut fan know that? No, of course not.
What exactly is a legume, you ask? Read a book, simpleton.
This isn't School House Rock.
I’m here to talk serious nut-news.
"Buy me some peanuts and Cracker Jacks; I don't care if I NEVER get back."
Is there anything more beautiful than to hear that during the 7th inning stretch at Wrigley?
Is there anything that says "Baseball" more than that?
Is there anything that says "
That's the creed we, as dedicated baseball fans, live by. But after surveying the landscape of the current peanut market, I’m starting to think it’s not such a bad thing to never get back - to breathing or otherwise living my life – now that I’ve seen what passes as a honey roasted peanut these days.
Now it's another subject entirely to get into the current state of Cracker Jack prizes. Rub-on tattoos? Why not just send our children directly to prison? I mean...how 'bout a little imagination? I could go on and on, ad nauseum, about this very subject.
No, ladies and gentlemen, this article is strictly about peanuts.
Specifically, the highest class of peanut ever made: Honey Roasted.
I don’t associate myself with the honey roasted peanuts that have been watered down to be included on airline flights, or the cheap, generic, "no frills" supermarket brands.
I'm talking high caliber, clean cut, pure as the driven snow, honey roasted peanuts.
Legumian Gold, bitches.
The stickiest of the icky.
Is there a more perfect snack food? Is there a more beautiful phrase in the English language than "honey roasted peanut"? I defy you to prove that there is. ("Cellar Door" doesn't count).
So you understand, then, why I cannot sit idly by as the name of the King Of Peanuts is sullied by low class impostors.
Emerald brand "Old Fashioned Honey Roasted Peanuts" just don't get the job done.
First of all, if you're going to have "Old Fashioned" printed on the label, that right there tells me you're not serious about peanuts. It's either "Olde Fashioned" or it isn't.
The "e" may be silent, but I simply cannot be. Not while this egregious crime is being committed against the baseball (and peanut) community.
Second, they taste neither honeyed nor roasted, and cannot be described as anything but bland.
We're not talking "lightly salted cashews" here. OK? We're talking Honey...Fucking...Roasted...Peanuts. The most decadent of all peanuts.
OK? So don't.....
Anyway, as to not overstay my welcome or thoroughly exhaust your all-American attention span, which I’m sure is right at its breaking point, if not well passed it…I’ll get right to the point.
These peanuts just don’t cut it.
Look for Mr. Peanut...every time.
Not only is he the least racist of all food mascots, but he’s a symbol of unfailing attention to detail and the highest quality honey roasted peanut money can buy.
Don’t demean yourself by settling for less than the best.
Integrity can be fleeting, but self-denigration is forever.
- Eli Sugar
Alien Sex: The Cracked Gourd of White-Collar Consciousness, and the Sheep Who Drink From It
Wall Street
call shots
dictate the market
spark interest
build profits
expand wallets
inflate the dollar and your ego too
hope your stocks form bonds with you
you can't teach the meaning
just means to an end
with suggested investments
that pay dividends
so call in your options
leverage your dreams
watch your stocks split
'til they rip at the seams
whatever helps keep your new SUV clean
but cover your ears while the children all scream
you've traded your soul for those green magic Beans
- Eli Sugar
Tuesday, February 5, 2008
Alien Sex: Genesis
I don't know if anyone remembers the old "1-800-COLLECT" collect-calling commercials starring noted homosexual Mike Piazza and closeted homosexual alien ALF, but those two were FUCKING. Alright? Deal with it.
Humans mating with aliens is nothing new. In fact, it's been happening since even before recorded history. I could force you to read the actual evidence, but that would be a long and arduous task for both of us. You're going to have to just trust me on this. No one who worships The Bear from Harvey Birdman would lie to you. That Bear is the most fucking Zen creature ever. Some years ago, I took one look at that smiling face and knew the immutable glory of the world around me. I could suddenly recite passages verbatim from the Tao Te Ching, despite the fact that I had never read it. Am I a prophet? Maybe. Well, yes. But that's hardly the point. The point is, human beings are FUCKING aliens, and have been for some time.
Now here's the real bombshell. Are you ready? Mike Piazza is actually the leader of a secret alien cult, posing as a religion known as "Astronomology." His wife (beard) is a former Playboy Playmate who was artificially inseminated by a "mixed-cocktail" extracted from Piazza and ALF during one of their "commercials" together. In the alien world, making a collect call with someone is the most intimate thing you can do. Piazza and ALF fell in love, and sharing all the same religious beliefs, knew it was they who would have to propagate the HUMALIEN species. It is unknown if Piazza's "wife" was a willing participant in the insemination, or if she was simply brainwashed by THE ALIEN MIND CONTROL DOOM BEAM possessed by ALF's people.
Now, MIND CONTROL DOOM BEAMS have been used by the American Government for more than 60 years to trick people into approving tax breaks for the rich, but that's another story altogether. The aliens invented it, and we only happened upon the technology after discovering it during the Dumont, NJ Alien Incident during the 1920's. The aliens that landed in Dumont were making collect calls ALL OVER THE PLACE and thousands of HUMALIEN babies were born in Dumont. The people of Dumont were the perfect targets, due to their low intelligence caused by decades of inbreeding. Any inbred person living in the U.S. had been moved to Dumont during "The Great Relocation" of 1919.
Dumont also provides for a short commute to NYC's Financial District, where ALF and his brethren caused a massive stock market collapse which led to the Great Depression.
Atlantis? HUMALIENS FUCKED IT UP!
Sparta, Athens and all other Ancient Greek cities? HUMALIENS FUCKED THEM UP!
F.F. Woodycooks' chain of successful iced cream parlours? HUMALIENS FUCKED THEM UP!
That's what HUMALIENS do. They fuck shit up.
You may be asking yourself, "How does he know all this?" or "Why didn't WE know about the HUMALIENS?"
The answer to BOTH of those questions is: I was born better than you, and I will die better than you.
The brave men who help me keep the HUMALIENS at bay are the very same men who contribute to this site.
We see through the bullshit, so that you don't have to. You can just go on blindly enjoying your life, acting like HUMALIENS don't exist, acting like they're not out there possibly fixing your car or maybe even serving your iced cream...acting like your daughter won't one day be fucking a HUMALIEN.
There are steps to be taken to avoid such a miserable fate, but such actions won't be explicitly spelled out for you. You need to pay attention. You need to read between what's ALREADY been written between the lines: thought inside of thought, concept inside of concept, continuing on and on, ad infinitum.
We'll take you deep inside the fractal nature of human consciousness, and expose truths SO shocking they haven't even been invented yet.
And if you're lucky, maybe you'll even get a little bit of iced cream along the way.
Try to keep it off the new upholstery.
- Eli Sugar
Humans mating with aliens is nothing new. In fact, it's been happening since even before recorded history. I could force you to read the actual evidence, but that would be a long and arduous task for both of us. You're going to have to just trust me on this. No one who worships The Bear from Harvey Birdman would lie to you. That Bear is the most fucking Zen creature ever. Some years ago, I took one look at that smiling face and knew the immutable glory of the world around me. I could suddenly recite passages verbatim from the Tao Te Ching, despite the fact that I had never read it. Am I a prophet? Maybe. Well, yes. But that's hardly the point. The point is, human beings are FUCKING aliens, and have been for some time.
Now here's the real bombshell. Are you ready? Mike Piazza is actually the leader of a secret alien cult, posing as a religion known as "Astronomology." His wife (beard) is a former Playboy Playmate who was artificially inseminated by a "mixed-cocktail" extracted from Piazza and ALF during one of their "commercials" together. In the alien world, making a collect call with someone is the most intimate thing you can do. Piazza and ALF fell in love, and sharing all the same religious beliefs, knew it was they who would have to propagate the HUMALIEN species. It is unknown if Piazza's "wife" was a willing participant in the insemination, or if she was simply brainwashed by THE ALIEN MIND CONTROL DOOM BEAM possessed by ALF's people.
Now, MIND CONTROL DOOM BEAMS have been used by the American Government for more than 60 years to trick people into approving tax breaks for the rich, but that's another story altogether. The aliens invented it, and we only happened upon the technology after discovering it during the Dumont, NJ Alien Incident during the 1920's. The aliens that landed in Dumont were making collect calls ALL OVER THE PLACE and thousands of HUMALIEN babies were born in Dumont. The people of Dumont were the perfect targets, due to their low intelligence caused by decades of inbreeding. Any inbred person living in the U.S. had been moved to Dumont during "The Great Relocation" of 1919.
Dumont also provides for a short commute to NYC's Financial District, where ALF and his brethren caused a massive stock market collapse which led to the Great Depression.
Atlantis? HUMALIENS FUCKED IT UP!
Sparta, Athens and all other Ancient Greek cities? HUMALIENS FUCKED THEM UP!
F.F. Woodycooks' chain of successful iced cream parlours? HUMALIENS FUCKED THEM UP!
That's what HUMALIENS do. They fuck shit up.
You may be asking yourself, "How does he know all this?" or "Why didn't WE know about the HUMALIENS?"
The answer to BOTH of those questions is: I was born better than you, and I will die better than you.
The brave men who help me keep the HUMALIENS at bay are the very same men who contribute to this site.
We see through the bullshit, so that you don't have to. You can just go on blindly enjoying your life, acting like HUMALIENS don't exist, acting like they're not out there possibly fixing your car or maybe even serving your iced cream...acting like your daughter won't one day be fucking a HUMALIEN.
There are steps to be taken to avoid such a miserable fate, but such actions won't be explicitly spelled out for you. You need to pay attention. You need to read between what's ALREADY been written between the lines: thought inside of thought, concept inside of concept, continuing on and on, ad infinitum.
We'll take you deep inside the fractal nature of human consciousness, and expose truths SO shocking they haven't even been invented yet.
And if you're lucky, maybe you'll even get a little bit of iced cream along the way.
Try to keep it off the new upholstery.
- Eli Sugar
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)