The Iced Cream Precinct

oh my word..

2010-03-11T09:49:00.003-05:00

so i just had a crazy person try to kill me with his car on route 17 N. I was on my way to work, like a guy, and this crazy nut job forces me to cut him off by speeding up after ive already put on my turn signal and committed to a lane shift. he then proceeds to taunt and scream and throw a plastic bottle at my window (which misses) and challenge me to a fight whilst, and I swear to god, screaming: "what's your problem?" well sir, my problem is that an insane person with an apparent rabies infection he must have gotten from butt fucking defenseless neighborhood dogs, while talking shit to them about it, is currently trying to hit me with his car and coerce me into a highway-side/off ramp fight.

ok. now this is a guy driving a pt cruiser, all white, wearing a sweatshirt and its 9 in the morning. A) he clearly does this every morning B) he is very clearly either unemployed or going to a job site for work C) it's true your honor, this man has no dick.

so, i attract crazies like big tits attract stares, and ive come to terms with that for my part. There will always be someone trying to kill me; I get that. But cant they pick a time when i dont have to be somewhere, or are defenseless do to injury. If it was just my leg, i would have fought him. no 2 ways about it. but come on! tried to hit me with your car? what if you had succeeded? you sooooo go to like 3 jails. and i totally get a new car, an immediate case of whiplash and a lawyer. Which i already have, barnaby jones esq.

and you dont wanna mess with him, he peurto rican, he'll cut you... then bill you for the hour.

Lemme Juss: Reignite!

2009-12-15T02:33:00.001-05:00

Lets toss some shit up in this bitch.

Batman/Superman Conversations:

Batman: Yo.

Superman: Hola, ese. What's happening over in The Goth?

Bats: Oh, ya know, depravity and societal breakdown, standard.

Supes: I know how that is! Not really actually, I'm more of a "cosmic forces and godlike clashes" guy myself. I am having a bit of a personal issue though...

Bats: Here we go...

Supes: I'm starting to wonder if Lois still has it for me, you know? I feel like she's lost that lovin' feeling. She hasn't even asked me to bone in midair 1000 feet above Metropolis in like, 3 weeks. She used to love that shit! And now she always makes me take the tights off, like they're socks or something! I had a special flap made just for quickies...

Bats: Ya know, dude, I'm getting a little sick of always talking about your problems. I try to have a simple conversation...the most important part of that story? You can fly. Quit bitching.

Supes: That's your response to everything. Grow up.

(Batman gives Superman the double-bird and jumps off a building)

Supes: I wish he wasn't so moody. He can be very hurtful when he gets like that. Oh! Time to go jerk off while holding a piece of kryptonite.

(PSM): Never attempt Auto-erotic Kryptonyxiation without a partner present.)

Buy, sell! Buy, sell! Funny money, boo-bah!

2008-10-10T10:17:00.005-04:00

I, as you may or may not know, was forced to major in finance, very much against my own will. This, as you can imagine, has given me a very negative outlook on the world of investing, as a whole. However, never in my wildest dreams could I have imagined the panicked pussy stock sell-off that is occurring right now.

For years I fought with professors and classmates, as I firmly believed that the stock market was a zero-sum game, destined to widen the gap between rich and poor and weaken the tenets of capitalism a little more each year. I was scoffed at. I was called a Socialist, Communist, Terrorist, Motorist, Sexist, Racist and Flautist. Only the Motorist part was true, but it still hurt to hear it.

Now, I can't pick up a newspaper without seeing triple-digit stock losses every day. Are you guys serious? THIS is the infallible system you believed in so deeply? THIS is the greatest economic system ever invented?

Your market was so weak that deadbeats taking out awful mortgages crippled it in less than 5 years? Wow.

What a bunch of fucking pussies. Your bullshit about, "This is America, blah. Capitalism is the greatest system ever, blah. The great part about the American economy is that we're too big to fail, blah. You say it's such a flawed system, but then why would every other industrialized country in the world stand behind it as well, blah."

BULLSHIT.

Fucking pussies. You just wanted your money. You never believed in a single thing you were saying. I could see it in your stupid spoiled faces. Your definition of a sustainable economy is, and always will be, "Whatever puts money in MY pocket."

Don't get me wrong, I'm actually fine with that line of thinking. I just expect a grown man to look me in the eyes and know his own limitations. YOU are not capable of having faith in anything. YOU have participated in the greatest market collapse in the history of the world. Don't tell me, "Oh, the depression was worse." The depression happened in the 1930's. You remember how FDR had to live his life in a wheelchair? That wasn't caused by some kind of car or boat accident. He had fucking polio. Because the vaccine hadn't been discovered yet. Don't you think, more than 70 years later, we should have learned how to keep a sustainable economy afloat?

PUSSIES.

Run to your McMansions with all of your "retirement funds" like a squirrel gathering nuts for the winter. You really think, with the current global political and economic climate that you can truly "retire" with less than $5 million? You'll be working the rest of your life, just like the rest of us.

The first thing anyone learns about the stock market is, "buy low, sell high." Well, you fucking cowardly cunts, it doesn't get much lower than this. So, start investing again. If you were right about the infallibility of the system, then you have nothing to worry about.

Or, if you truly are the waste of life that I've always thought you were, you'll scurry back to your winter home, acorns in tow.

Cherish them, they're the only thing even remotely resembling "nuts" that you'll ever have,

The only thing getting richer in this country right now is the irony.

Cartography: That's It!

2008-09-22T10:01:00.006-04:00

Ok enough. I am never going to read another music review. Unless it's done so with the partly satirical bent, and basic curiosity I employ when people watching from a park bench, I dont think I can participate in, and there by potentially validate, the inanity of would be writers and musicians, complicitly imbuing themselves as impartial judges of both. It's insane! They really push it so far. I read one review that claimed in one song on an album the band "we're unsure of who they should be." Man. I bet this guy knows who they should be. Maybe he knows who everyone should be. He could save me a lot of time, money and effort; think I'll try to contact him. I guess it would be better to just produce a piece of music and put it out into the ether, simply to see if people might like it. Then he'll probably tell me straight off. Ridiculous for so many reasons I dont even need to name. I get that musicians make crazy money in some cases, and they need to be harshly judged, but thats not really a process that involves too much intentional participation most times. There's only one Fred Durst. I could say more but dont really have it in me. It's not really worth a diatribe, I've just had my fill is all. hows it going guys? frank you having fun at school? see yas

Holy Fuck: Pt. 2

2008-09-15T13:10:00.003-04:00

Lehman and Merrill Lynch.

Wow.

There's no smart-ass commentary coming on this one.

We're all fucked.

EDIT: AIG. Fuck.

Holy Fuck

2008-09-07T13:00:00.003-04:00

The Bush Administration, purveyor of "small government" and enemy of social security, has now enacted the two single most important big government bills SINCE social security. The Patriot Act increased the scope and size of Federal Government in America by at least 50%, and now comes news that they will be taking over Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac. Not only will the feds continue to listen to your phone calls, but they might even use said phone calls against you to deny you a home loan.

As with all politicians and all political parties in the history of the world, the Bush Administration is in favor of small government only when it suits their electoral needs. Comparing Republicans to fascists and Nazis has always been the go-to insult for liberals. Well, it is now appropriate to yell "Go back to Russia, Commies!" at any Republicans you happen to see walking down the street.

Trust me, they travel in groups.

Alien Sex: It's Coming

2008-08-21T08:23:00.004-04:00

I honestly don't know how I feel about this. When you read something like this particular article, you normally have some kind of opinion. In this case, for whatever reason, I have absolutely no opinion whatsoever. I assume I must already be sick of the election, which technically hasn't truly started yet. The media coverage will triple in its scope soon, and we'll hear all kinds of bullshit that we never wanted to know, and for me personally, this is proof that the process has started. When you read this article, you'll either be enraged that John McCain doesn't know how many houses he has, or you'll be enraged that Obama's people are making this such a huge issue. Or, in my case, you'll be angry/depressed/angry-again that playoff baseball will take a backseat to political bickering. Either way, this piece of news should fill you with hate.

If I can bring you down/up to my level of depression/anger, I'll have done my job. I look forward to seeing you there.

source:

Sen. John McCain (R-Ariz.) said in an interview Wednesday that he was uncertain how many houses he and his wife, Cindy, own.

The correct answer is at least four, located in Arizona, California and Virginia, according to his staff. Newsweek estimated this summer that the couple owns at least seven properties.

In recent weeks, Democrats have stepped up their effort to caricature McCain as living an outlandishly rich lifestyle – a bit of payback to the GOP for portraying Sen. Barack Obama (D-Ill.) as an elitist, and for turning the spotlight in 2004 on the five homes owned by Sen. John F. Kerry (D-Mass.) and his wife, Teresa Heinz Kerry.

Pro-Obama labor groups have sent out mailers highlighting McCain’s wealth, and prominent Democrats have included references to it in comments to reporters.

Twice in the past two weeks, those Democrats have focused on McCain’s houses.

Sen. Charles Schumer (D-N.Y.) told Politico’s Ben Smith that it was McCain “who wears $500 shoes, has six houses, and comes from one of the richest families in his state."

And David Axelrod, Obama’s chief strategist, referred in an interview with Adam Nagourney of The New York Times to an imagined meeting of McCain strategists “on the portico of the McCain estate in Sedona — or maybe in one of his six other houses.”

McCain’s comments came four days after he initially told Pastor Rick Warren during a faith forum on Sunday his threshold for considering someone rich is $5 million — a careless comment he quickly corrected.

In the interview, McCain did not offer an alternative number, but had a new answer ready.

“I define rich in other ways besides income,” he said. “Some people are wealthy and rich in their lives and their children and their ability to educate them. Others are poor if they’re billionaires.”

McCain, by anyone's measure, is well off if you include his wife's fortune. Cindy McCain inherited control of her father’s beer distributorship, the largest in Arizona, and has an estimated worth of over $100 million.

Alien Sex: Come On

2008-08-07T06:47:00.002-04:00

The people of China were apparently offended by several American cyclists choosing to wear masks while arriving at the Beijing airport. This was a great sign of disrespect to The People's Republic, supposedly. You know what else is offensive? Air pollution 5 times worse than Los Angeles. That offends me. As does the notion that a human being must waive the right to actually breathe oxygen when he or she goes to China. Get over yourselves. Your country smells like burning tires. If you stopped making tube socks for Wal-Mart for just 5 minutes and actually went outside, you'd know that. Come on.

YYYYAAAAAAAAAAAAAYYYYYYY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!@^#$@^%$#*#

2008-07-12T19:48:00.000-04:00

HAPPY BIRTHDAY ELI!!!!!

Alien Sex: Polar Bears

2008-07-05T19:30:00.002-04:00

Weekend Quickie:

I know the World Wildlife Fund won a lawsuit against the World Wrestling Federation, but seeing a polar bear on a floating piece of ice in the middle of a frozen ocean loses most of its meaning when you ask me to donate to the "WWF." It just makes me laugh. I think of the Ultimate Warrior, Macho Man Randy Savage, or Superfly Jimmy Snuka bounding from the top rope to deliver an elbow drop the likes of which the polar ice caps have never seen.

Pick your battles.

Puking Rainbows

2008-06-13T13:13:00.002-04:00

The following is a post that I'm sick of having in my drafts. I'm
ending this:

Vomit isn't easy to clean up. It can be done, but it takes time, and
love. Its gotta be done right. No half-assing. Approach it with an
open mind. Problem solving at work. We have all these newspapers,
let's start with them. That sawdust stuff? I wouldn't even know
where to go about getting something like that, and its Sunday. Can we
use hay? or Hair? Big sexy piles of it could do the trick. Get my
razor. and the cat.

Months later, the crime scene is visually and olfactorally sound.
Your peers have no idea how grave the situation was. You know it
though. Every time you walk passed that spot on the carpet, you'll
cringe. Try vomiting on someone. They're soiled for life. Put it in
their eulogy.

I don't want to be mr. unhappy blog pants though. I want to talk
about a vomit so beautiful, I almost ralph just thinking about it.

It was the year of our lord, 2006 D.R., A.A. (during Renfro, after
Aaliyah). The world was a better place. Spiderman 3, only in its
planning phases, had yet to drop the entire world's collective IQ's 4
points. Jessica Alba wasn't pregnant. Really, the only thing I can
think of that wasn't better in 2006, was that the Iced Cream Precinct
had not yet been created.

There was a night in August 2006, in the city of Munich, Germany,
where I blew big, big, chunks. I drank a lot of beer. A lot. I ate
tons of sausages, tons of mashed potatoes, tons of macaroni and
cheese. It was bubbling up, I could feel it. Someone made a funny
joke, some girl gave me a pull of her cigarette, and I saw a drunk man
fall flat on his face. I laughed so hard that I threw up. All.
Over. The. Place.

It got on everyone. It was on my friends' plates, in babies' mouths,
in tubas and hair, and in everyone's beer. It traveled through the
sewers of Munich, covered buildings, and monuments. It travelled
through time and space and covered the world. For a moment, I was
taken over by sheer terror. I'd been here before, but never on this
scale. This was going in everyone's eulogy.

But look! My vomit! This isn't your granddad's vomit. Its
technicolor. And its smells like heaven. Unicorns are playing in
it. I had puked a rainbow all over the world. Don't clean this one
up. If I'm lucky, I'll slip in it someday.

Riff Raff and Thugs

2008-06-13T12:09:00.004-04:00

First of all, to find three things I want to post about in 1 day is remarkable. But then again, I took today off, and have just been peru'sin USA around the internet. But this shit slays me deep. I apologize ahead of time for my use of cuss words and simple sentences, but I'm angry.

Here's the mother fucking source

Here's your headline:

Papelbon says Red Sox still owe Rays for brawl

Now, right there. If you've seen any of whats happened with this, you should be fuming. Unless you are a blind Red Sox fan, which is NOT an excuse.

Papelbon just shot up to the top of my list of classless dick heads in baseball, I don't care how good he is. Him and Youkilis share the crown I think. He says:

All I got to say is what comes around goes around, man. Payback's a b----, I'll tell you what.

Oh really? Well first, congrats on sounding like a redneck moron. A story: These days, the city of Baltimore is made up of a bunch of young professionals, older couples, and otherwise good people. But then you have the old locals that are holding on to the dump of a row home that they live in. You can find these people walking the streets in the middle of the day (GET A FUCKING JOB), shirtless, lighting cigarettes, cursing, spitting, and either talking to themselves, or talking to someone else about some of the DUMBEST tough guy shit you'd ever hear. And this applies to women as well. And these people LOOK like hell. Ravaged by crack and alcohol, they're probably 2o years younger than they look. And when I read this sentence from Papelbon, I can't help but put it to the voice of one of these fucking riff raff walking down the streets. I swear to god I heard a trashy ass woman saying to her other worthless thug friend just yesterday, "Alls I got to say is, she better fuckin' show up cause that bitch owes me 5 dollars, I'll tell you what." My God, what a life you're leading. I digress.

So this all started when Coco Crisp slid real hard into second on a stolen base attempt. James Shields retaliated by hitting him in the lower body in a later at-bat. This all should be over at this point. But Crisp's a fucking thug who's flat out NOT very good at baseball and maybe frustrated by his diminished playing time, so he decides to charge the mound. That's when this occurred:

And by "this" I mean, when James Shields almost knocked Coco Crisps' fucking lights out. A bench clearing brawl ensued in which Coco got his ass handed to him by Johnny Gomes, but I'm sure some Red Sox got a few punches in themselves. Either way, the issue isn't about whether the teams are "even now," the issue is that Papelbon thinks because he's on his local sports talk show, he can say what he wants without repercussion because his Boston cronies will back him up. And that now both teams will have an even more dangerous rematch when they play again on June 30 because the Fucking Thug Papelbon thought he could say whatever the hell he wants. And I say dangerous because we're talking about 90 MPH baseballs hitting people.

MLB should immediately come out and say that ANY retaliation from either team in their next game will result in an immediate ejection and a fine/suspension. Put this shit to bed. But, HOOEY THE RATINGS WILL BE THROUGH THE ROOF!

I don't expect much from this, if fines or suspensions are handed out, I'm sure they will be drops in a hat. And it may end up being just a plunk in the ass or two, with no one getting hurt or anything. But on the slight chance that someone does get seriously injured, the first person I'm blaming is Papelbon for acting like a fucking childish thug. Its a good thing he's safe in the later innings.

Man and I thought hating the Yankees in the 90's and early 2000's was easy.

Mr Jeff Foxes...or two things that are similar in that they both make absolutely no sense

2008-06-13T11:41:00.006-04:00

Mr Balloon Hands. No Way.

Fleet Foxworthy

2008-06-13T09:07:00.011-04:00

Take a look at that image. Uppity size that.

That's the cover for the debut Fleet Foxes LP just released on Sub Pop. I've had this album for a few months at this point, and I've recommended it to some of you. I think its friggin' fantastic and its only competition for best album of 2008 so far is Portishead's new one.

Sup Pop released it on Vinyl and included the band's EP Sun Giant with the LP. Also included was a link to download the mp3s of both the LP and the EP. You know when people say What Would Jesus Do? I think if the guy were around these days, the first thing he'd do is release all vinyls with high quality mp3 download codes. I'm pretty sure he said it once in the Bible.

So as I stated, I've had this album for a few months. Apparently it was recorded quite a while ago (the EP was actually released first, but recorded second), and naturally it was leaked. I don't know what it is that I found so charming about music that paints a picture of Ye Olde Frontier, but its got me hook, line, and sinker. Fucking guys fixing leaks in houses, tending to the land, wearing hats and beards, etc. Prime example of this is Midlake's "Roscoe," which was my song of the year last year by a landslide. Fleet Foxes' LP is the musically superior cousin of Midlake's "Trials of Van Occupanther," though I wouldn't say any one song is better than Roscoe. Thanks to Sub Pop for releasing this album on Vinyl, because after listening to mp3s for months, I was ready to have the album reborn in my grado's with vinyl pops. And this album screams to be enhanced by the scratching and popping of a needle. And that album cover! Big and blown up on the cover of the gatefold! Give me one tab of acid, this album, and its vinyl gatefold, and I'll see you at the yard. I'd come out looking like this guy.

There have been enough blog posts out there about how fantastic "White Winter Hymnal" is so I'll just say this and move on: Its the best song under 3 minutes I've ever heard.

It didn't surprise me to learn that seasoned producer Phil Ek (of Built to Spill and Shins fame, to name a few) was involved in mixing this album, in particular "He Doesn't Know Why," which challenged me to focus on that piano backing track, and when I finally did, the song hit like a ton of bricks. THAT is how you mix music. Make me work for it.

I mentioned before Portishead's new LP. At first it was only available as a CD and as a stupid giant box set vinyl, but they came to their senses and released just the single LP a bit later (which did the Christian thing and included mp3s).

I really like to listen to these two albums one after another, because its like drifting off to sleep after a hard day's work of tending to the livestock and prospecting my land, and then plummeting down into a smelly, steamy, metal factory made up of nothing but massive turning gears which grind and crush my bones to powder when I fall into them.

Roscoe - MidlakeWhite Winter Hymnal - Fleet FoxesHe Doesnt Know Why - Fleet Foxes4 The Rip - Portishead

Nude Remix. AKA another example of people other than us having some indelible and yet seemingly unattainable quality of vision, access & application

2008-06-12T22:58:00.002-04:00

Big Ideas (don't get any) from James Houston on Vimeo.

Alien Sex: Get A Job

2008-06-04T19:11:00.005-04:00

The company I currently work for is interviewing for entry-level positions. They even went as far as to take out an ad in the classifieds.

When you advertise a position on such a grand scale, you're bound to have some jokers come in that make you say, "Is this guy serious?"

Unfortunately, that's been the MAJORITY of the applicants.

In addition to the basic "what high school did you go to and who are your last 2 employers?" bullshit, there is also a LENGTHY personality profile, some math questions, and a 75-100 word essay to close everything out.

Why is the application so involved? To weed out the people that aren't really serious about the job.

If you can't sit down for 45 minutes to fill out some basic information about yourself, then you won't be able to get a job ANYWHERE.

One kid, for his 75-100 word essay, actually wrote, "I just want to be part of the team." That's it. That is literally ALL he wrote.

Well, I want to play for the Dodgers; I want to be part of THAT team. But, unfortunately, my desire is not enough. Why? Because the Dodgers still believe in the archaic notion that you should have to prove that you're qualified for the job before they just give it to you.

Even worse than the kids that don't fill out the application are the kids that fill out the entire thing, then hand it to ME. (I'm not a manager, or even an assistant, and have very little say in who gets hired and who doesn't, other than my boss occasionally asking me: "What did you think of that kid?")

They see me in khakis and a polo shirt, and assume I have some kind of authority. But instead of trying to make a positive first impression on me, they ask me stupid shit like, "What is the starting salary?" I had to actually tell one kid, "That's something we would discuss with you after we've reviewed your application, set up an interview, and offered you the job."

Is that an asshole thing to say? Absolutely. But, he asked an asshole question. The only bigger asshole question you can ask a prospective employer is, "How many vacation days would I get?"

One kid said to me, "I'm looking for at least $10 an hour, and I'm looking to get hired as soon as possible." The kid had a college degree, claimed to have a clean drivers' license and no police record, and actually seemed qualified to do the job. Is he going to get the job? Absolutely not.

Why?

Because I told my boss, "You're not hiring that kid."

Even though I have fairly little say in what goes on there, my boss does respect me enough to cross someone off the list if I've asked him to.

I've spent my entire life as a NY Giants fan, and do you know what I was doing during the 4th quarter of their spectacular Super Bowl win? I was getting ready for bed, because I had a job interview in the morning. I woke up, shaved, dressed like an adult and walked into that interview like a grown man. I got that job because I walked into the interview asking for the job. I wanted the job. Not just the money I would make as compensation, not the company car or the health benefits that are wonderful perks of my particular job...I wanted to actually show up there for 40+ hours a week and work my ass off. That's what I wanted, and they gave it to me. I applied for a position that wasn't even open, and they gave it to me.

These fucking guys are walking into an office that I spend my whole week in, and they're acting like I OWE THEM something. I don't owe you shit, and neither does my company. Sit down like the entry-level applicant that you are, and fill out a fucking application.

How about some fucking professionalism? Walk in dressed like an adult, speak like a man, and don't ask any stupid questions. You're not entitled to ANYTHING. Show up every day and work as hard as I do, then ask about compensation. Do something of value for the company. Believe it or not, just because someone "ranks higher" than you doesn't mean that they're doing less work for more money. In some companies, that is certainly the case, but you'll find that out after a few months on the job. Not during a 3 minute conversation with one of the salesmen.

3 minutes isn't long enough to find out anything worthwhile about a company; but it's more than enough for a company to figure out that you're a fucking piker.

- Eli

Alien Sex: Don't Screw This Up

2008-05-26T11:08:00.002-04:00

It's official: there will be an Office spinoff this year. No details have been announced, other than it will be run by Office head Greg Daniels and Office writer/producer Mike "Cousin Mose" Schur (also of FireJoeMorgan.com fame).

When it was first announced that NBC would be Americanizing the British version of The Office, I was really upset. Gervais created perfect characters, and a storyline that ended exactly when and where it should have. He knew a third season could never be as good as the first two, and decided to go out on top.

Letting his show migrate across the Atlantic was, in my opinion at the time, a major mistake.

Turns out I was wrong.

What Greg Daniels and the rest of that squad have accomplished is impressive; duplicating the awkwardly brilliant feel of the British original.

But what will this spinoff bring to the table? Will it follow Toby to Costa Rica? Will Schrute Farms become a successful bed & breakfast? Will we see what Ryan's life is like in minimum security prison, as he serves his time for white-collar crime? All of the above?

I can't think of any legitimate ways to improve or add to what The Office already has going for it. The Big Four (Carell, Wilson, Krasinski and Fischer) were PERFECT casting to take over their respective roles in the American version, but let's not get carried away.

We don't need a spinoff. We need every face on that show to have better character development. If Pam is going to New York, let her stay there for a while, and really succeed in what she's doing. Ryan is gone, that position in NY is open, and Jim seems more than qualified to take over. Pam should quit her shitty receptionist job and stay in New York. Jim can follow her there by taking Ryan's newly vacated position at the top.

This spinoff will supposedly premier in January, right after the Super Bowl. The Office season premier is in September, so 3 full months (and probably 10-15 episodes) of Jim/Pam drama will put the show right back where it was before the writers' strike. Then, you have a show that's entirely about Jim and Pam and their trials and tribulations in the big city. Jim will be Michael's boss, so he'll still have to keep in contact with the Scranton office, PLUS we'd get to see his "everyman" persona deal with the other Dunder-Mifflin branches and whatever psychos they might have dwelling inside. It leaves the door open for dozens of cameos, and countless storylines.

I have no doubt that Daniels and Schur are capable of pulling off something worthwhile with this spinoff, I just don't see more than 1 or 2 ways to make it watchable without being completely predicatable. I've already predicted what I think will/should happen, and I don't feel like it required any kind of deep thought on my part; I'm just saying what I think would make good TV and fit within the current confines of the characters and their abilities.

The question is: how do you re-make a re-make that was already pitch-perfect in its approach to re-making the original?

Anyone who's ever made a copy of a dubbed tape knows what's going to happen here. The first copy is always of great quality, but each subsequent copy has more and more audible hiss that eventually renders it unlistenable. I hope this perfectly cast and impeccably written show doesn't overexpose itself.

There's only so much juice you can squeeze out of an orange. Sooner or later, you just end up with a cup full of pulp that sticks in your teeth.

Who didn't like THAT analogy?

- Sugar

Who's Idea Was This?

2008-05-22T18:19:00.001-04:00

Seriously,

Our days are numbered.

Sincerely,

K'n'S

Alien Sex: It's Not A Phobia

2008-05-19T20:31:00.006-04:00

I saw two guys riding a tandem bike down a major street this Saturday. It was the first time I've ever used the word "gay" in a completely pejorative, not-at-all-kidding kind of way. I wasn't just saying it, I really fuckin meant it. I mean, that's so obnoxious. If two straight men, a straight man and a straight woman, or two women of ANY sexual orientation would have done the same thing, I would have looked at it and said "That's really gay."

Just because you're gay doesn't make you immune to that criticism. I don't care what you do in bed with each other, that's got nothing to do with this, and you're immature and unreasonable for even making that suggestion, so seriously, shut the fuck up.

Now, you may be saying, "Why do you assume they were gay?" Well, it's true that it MIGHT have been two straight men, but even if it was, it's still GAY. It's just inherently gay. There's nothing you can say to make me believe that two people, of any gender, of any sexual orientation, riding a tandem bike down a major rode isn't straight up gay. It just is. It's a fact of life. That shit is gay.

From time to time, I'll use the word "gay" with a negative connotation, but it's always in a playful I-really-don't-mean-any-harm-by-it kind of way.

Well, guess what?

I fuckin meant it this time. If people are going to ride tandem bikes on major rodes in full-blown spandex with aerodynamic helmets, I'm gonna be meaning it a hell of a lot more often.

I have to defend common sense in all its forms at all times, and this time is no different. Sorry homosexuals, sorry cyclists.....that shit is gay.

Lemme Juss...Start A Supermarket Chain

2008-04-03T20:03:00.003-04:00

Here we go. Time to use it.

So there's this movie theater in my town, if you can even call it that, because it is more akin to a series of 4 large family rooms tuned to one of the three HBOs. Let's call it a "cinema," because that's what they call it. For the 15 years I have lived in my town, this place has unwaveringly been the last resort of theater selection when you want to sit back and eat Smarties with Sprite to see if your bladder explodes. The reason for this is not only the breathtakingly low quality of the theater seats, screen, food, floor, air, etc., but sometimes primarily, the movie selection. Only four movies play at a time, and those four movies are almost always the movies you have no interest whatsoever in seeing with a man six rows behind you jerking it to a dream he had last night about Melanie Griffith. In fact, as a result of this latent sexual energy, creeptacular as it may be, the only reason a self-respecting human would venture to this cesspool of cinema during their junior high years was to have a place one could make a move on one's soon-to-be-make-out partner-for-the-month. Needless to say, this place notoriously had non-existent service, employing the lowest-rung youth members of the societal ladder to basically run the place. In short, it's a complete and utter joke.

The theater is tacked on to the ass-end of a mini-mall, kind of like the unofficial "center of town," and it is a very busy spot. The cinema has a sign displaying what movies it currently has, on that big mini-mall obelisk that lets you know what's to be found in the surrounding 500 feet. The cinema uses those single letter signs you always catch making unintentional innuendos in pictures, and this is where my story comes to a point. I was picking up a pizza in this quarter-mile-long-monument-to-consumerism about 2 weeks ago, and, anxiously waiting at the intersection to get home and feast on my bread and cheese disc, glanced at the sign to see what movies were showing (or more accurately, dying). I saw the following spelled out in single letters of more-than-less unmatching font:

NO COUNY OLD MEN
ATONMET

There is no real explanation for the preceding display, but I will offer a few.
1. The people who work for Washington Township Cinema are so unfathomably inept, they honestly did not notice any problem with the appearance of their film lineup after they finished meticulously placing each individual letter.
2. The people who work for Washington Township Cinema only had a certain number of each letter to work with, and decided to use them where they could best convey the idea of the titles of the films to most people who saw the sign.
3. The people who work for Washington Township Cinema were texting their border-line retarded friends while putting up the letters, made mistakes, and simply couldn't have given a half a shit.

My personal opinion of what happened is a combination of 2 and 3, because as mindless as the people who work at Washington Township Cinema are, that is a little much to swallow. And I can swallow ALOT. So, what it comes down to is the fact that the people who work at this theater are not only dealing with shoddy, unsatisfactory equipment (i.e. no R's AT ALL), they just don't fucking care. To make matters worse, whoever owns or manages the theater doesn't even care. It's one thing for some dipshit 15 year old to be thinking about his skanky girlfriends acorn tits while he's working; it's quite another for a presumably grown-ass man or woman to let their business become and stay so destitute, in a mostly well-to-do area. It's pathetic, in the way that a homeless, dirty puppy is: you sort of feel bad, but you really just wish it would get it's shit together or go away.

Now, if you follow the film industry at all, you will have noticed that, in my story, the movies this cinematic purgatory was showing were Oscar nominated films, one of which happened to win Best Picture. And herein lies the catch inherent to the Washington Township Cinemas: the movies this bullshit place show are ALMOST always the ones you don't want to see. The other "non-almost" percent of the time, they play quality, sometimes hard-to-find films, usually way long time after they've been out of the big name theaters. So, if you hadn't seen "NO COUNY OLD MEN" when it was first released in a REAL theater, with seats that could soothe a rabid baboon and a screen the size of a rabid baboon's dick, you still have the chance to see it in a psuedo theater. One chance. THIS CHANCE. And this is where that self-loathing son of a crunch that owns the dump makes his/her money: in the "a veces" event that a movie comes out, which gets a lot of publicity, and of which they can get a reel months after the movie originally came out. "But Vinz," you might say, "they can't make enough money on those uncommon occurrences to fully support even a small business, can they?" They can, you little bitch, if they pay their employees literally a midget-shit above minimum wage all year round, which they do. This, in turn, leads to the abyss of service you receive when you actually do take a valium and step foot inside, a dearth which is that much more impressive when you realize how little service a movie theater actually requires. They just don't give a shit, and neither does the owner, because they know that when that Oscar buzz comes around, and they get that movie when NO ONE else is showing it, that they WILL sell tickets. And they do. And the place where movies go to die continues to exist on this plane.
Now, all this got me thinking about the way I view that most unfortunate of movie houses, which obviously could be filed next to the Hollister dressing rooms under "Places I'd Most Like To Dress Up Like A Terrorist Chimp And Throw Explosive Feces All Over." I actually HAVE seen a number of really great movies in that theater, and I know that if I really wanted to see a buzz-worthy movie in the theater after it's time in the real world was up, I might have the option to cross the river Styx and catch it here in my own town. In short, they sell something that, at one point or another, I will not be able to get ANYWHERE else. The whole situation reminded me of an idea I had when I worked at a grocery store for, oh, SIX YEARS, and I may have come to the realization that me and Mr./Ms. "I'd Hire Japanese Slave Children If I Could" have alot in common. I used to say, while working in the cash office and customer service desk of a well-to-do grocery store, that I would have done things differently. I would have started a grocery store where the employees didn't have to put up with the "This Ice Cream Was Too Hard" bullshit that plagued me in my high school years. My employees wouldn't have to bottle up all the aggression, sexual or not, during 8 hour shifts watching 52 year-old whores dressed like my slut teenage cousin rummaging through and destroying the entire milk selection to find out all the gallons have the same date. Whore. No, instead, they could let the old man in Aisle 5 know that his hair smells like goat cheese made from goat shit. They could tell the botox-injected middle aged mom to bring her own organic chicken to her own Mercedes M class, and stress that they hope she steps in a pothole and breaks both ankles. There would be NO customer service; my employees could act how they wanted to act, when they wanted to act like it, as long as no one got physically injured (and I might let that slide on "Physical Phrydays"). In return, I would pay my employees the lowest pay wage legally allowed. Why would people work for me? Because it would be the best job ever. Really. Having a bad day? Tell someone. Throw a "fuck" in there. Let it all out. Then when your ready, go stock shelves. Easy shit, and even fun. Why would people come to my store to shop, when they could get verbally accosted by any number of belligerent employees? Because these prices are LOW. MAD LOW. Lower than the lowest limbo bar in hell. Lower than Barry White's voice saying "Gooooood." Lower than Ashley Dupre at a Gubernatorial convention. SHIT you see how topical that was? Who asked you. I'm telling you, no man, woman, child, or even pumanther could resist ANYTHING this low. You won't find these prices ANYWHERE else. I'll be pulling more volume than an afro with mousse.

Have I worked out the fiscal math and discovered if the whole thing could actually work to make any sort of viable profit? No, shut the fuck up. Have I realized that it actually could work to make a viable profit by witnessing the continued existence of the Washington Township Cinemas? Yes, and seriously shut the fuck up.

I ain't no pumanther. Stay tuned.

Alien Sex: More Like Easter FUNday

2008-03-23T11:21:00.003-04:00

I don't know how other people feel about holidays, but I fucking hate them with a passion. Every holiday. I hate Flag Day. I hate Arbor Day. I hate Administrative Assistants Appreciation Day. Christmas, Halloween, Easter, New Year's Eve, New Year's Day, my own birthday. You name it, I hate it.

The only holiday I don't hate is Thanksgiving, mostly because of the day BEFORE Thanksgiving, where you get to see all of your old "friends" who you haven't seen in a while. It's the one day every year that I'm willing to be part of the masses and drink shitty beer and pretend to give a fuck about what other people are doing with their lives. Thanksgiving Day itself sucks harder than (insert celebrity cock-sucking joke here), but the night before is always interesting. Not necessarily fun, but always interesting.

I like the day before Thanksgiving because it proves to me how right I’ve always been about the dangers of forced fun and expectations.

Holidays suck because of the sense of entitlement they inspire in us. There are always expectations, and rarely does ANYTHING live up to the expectations you had for it. This is true of every day in a sense. People show up to work thinking "today might not suck," but then it sucks, and they feel even worse than they would have if they just said "today will probably suck." What I'm emphasizing here is the importance of preparation over expectation, and the understanding that “fun,” however you define it, cannot and should not be planned.

Don't ever expect something, good or bad. “Hope for the best, but prepare for the worst.” It’s a simple enough expression to remember. But, if that doesn’t do it for you, try this one out instead.

One of the great thinkers of our time, Mr. Mike Tyson, once said, "Everybody has a plan until they get punched in the face."

Holidays tend to punch people in the face.

The plans you had for your holiday never pan out, and you've got no contingency, because you had these wild expectations that could NEVER possibly come to fruition, and now you're left sulking and hating your life, job, spouse and children. Why? Because you had a day off, you had unreasonably high expectations for it, and you had no contingency plan for when it punched you in the face.

The expression "roll with the punches" really means to roll out of the way of life's attempted punches to the face. Roll in the same direction that the punch is being thrown, that way it swings and misses just over top of you. When holiday boredom sets in, which it will, just remember that I warned you of the consequences of expectation, and the pitfalls of being unprepared.

If you MUST participate in whatever holiday is coming up, in this case Easter, just remember that bars and holidays are essentially the same thing: sad attempts at forced fun, with an underlying expectation that your life will in some way be changed for the better.

Normally, my interest in including poetry in this blog extends only to Lewis Carroll Jabberwocky style nonsense, but I'd like to leave you with this gem from My Morning Jacket songwriter Jim James, from the song "Golden":

People always told me
That bars are dark and lonely
And talk is often cheap and filled with air

Sure, sometimes they thrill me
But nothing could ever chill me
Like the way they make the time just disappear

Whether it's a dark, lonely, shitty bar or a forced-fun-family-reunion, it's all the same: high expectations, lack of preparation, and the unshakable feeling that you'll never get this time back, no matter how hard you try.

Easter is the one Sunday every year that makes me look forward to Monday morning, just so I can get back to some semblance of normalcy. If given the choice, I'll take the disappointment of the start of another work week over the disappointment of shattered expectations. Maybe that makes me a pessimist, but I like to think I’m just happy with my life the way it is, without needing a fucking parade to march by every time something slightly beneficial occurs.

If you like bars and holidays and parades and trophies, good for you. You’ve found something that makes you feel better about yourself. But if that ever starts to get old, which it most certainly will, try getting closer to your own happiness EVERY day, instead of waiting for these verbal masturbation festivals to come around and make you feel “alive.”

Waiting for holidays is the equivalent of building your house on the side of a volcano and only stepping outside when it erupts. If you don’t know what I mean by that, I’m afraid nothing I ever say will make any sense to you, and for that I’m sorry.

- Sugar

Alien Sex: Rest Stops and Scenic Overlooks Are Creepy

2008-03-09T14:35:00.006-04:00

Am I right, Mr. LYT?

I was all over the state of NJ this week, and unfortunately the perception most people have of NJ comes from their one brief stop at Newark Airport 10 years ago, or driving on the turnpike from exits 13 through 18, and smelling the distinct odor of urine mixed with noxious gases.

Look, there are parts of NJ that are awful, and I wouldn't recommend ANYBODY stopping there EVER for ANY reason. But 75% of the state is beautiful, and filled with the hardest working people in the world.

If you're not living on the East coast above the Mason-Dixon Line, or on the West coast in a major city, you're life isn't all that it could be.

Basically, Texas can go fuck itself right in its righteous asshole. The only thing "bigger" in Texas is the collective ego of the entire state, which spills over into neighboring states who think they know what the fuck they're talking about.

In New Jersey.......

Is there the off chance that you'll run into a homosexual looking for a hand job at a rest stop?

Sure.

Might your "waitress" have an Adam's Apple, and a voice deeper than Britney Spears' pussy?

Possibly.

Are you putting your life on the line every time you drive on one of our highways?

Quite simply....yes.

But, will your life be better off for experiencing such things? Will you have better stories to tell? Will you go home every night with a sense of accomplishment that dwarfs that of every other state in the union?

Absolutely.

(Am I asking too many rhetorical questions? That's debatable.)

It's called "character," bitches. Order some online if there isn't any available to you locally.

Of course, there are advantages to living in the middle of nowhere, underneath power lines, milking cows and goats and trying to scratch out a place for yourself in the world. Just off the top of my head...I can't think of any reasons to justify such a lifestyle, but I suppose it's a respectable living provided you're not a total asshole.

There's a lot of shit in political news that talks about "Blue States" and "Red States." I don't buy into such marginalization, and I don't think we're all that different at our core, but I will tell you this:

If you're living anywhere other than the coasts, and you think you're happy, you really need to stop lying to yourself and face this grim reality: Other than Chicago, there's nothing worth seeing or doing anywhere between NY and LA, (and I hate both of those cities more than anything in the world).

Are there great people all over this country? Absolutely. But they're wasting away there when they could be fulfilling their potential here.

I think that's a marginalization we can all get behind. Just watch who's getting behind you. Especially at rest stops and scenic overlooks.

- Sweetness

Cartography: Huge People

2008-03-05T06:11:00.003-05:00

You know what really grinds my gears?.. Little people acting like saying the word midget is like calling a black person the n word. Seriously? I hope they know somewhere deep down that we are laughing at them. I mean, they already thought that, and thats the genesis of the whole little person pc public relations turnaround, but i mean even those of us who would never consider actually laughing at someone for how they are born, are now laughing at them. Whole heartedly i might add.

If we laughed at you before im sure we felt terrible eventually, but now, its remorseless mockery. Not about your size, but the size of your ego. Seriously. You werent stolen from a continent and sold into slavery for hundreds of years, only to be freed but continually subjugated and demeaned in every way especially language. So you were in carnivals and shit. So what. at lest u might have gotten paid. Its so ridiculous to try and compare these two words. And im sure offensive to black people. The word midget comes from midge, meaning a small fly, and was coined in like 1870 something to describe carnival dwarfs. Now i know Stern did a whole row on this and got shit for it, but feel the same exact way. Little people sounds more offensive to me. i know they wanted to subvert the word midget so they went with little people, but the thing about the n word is that its used to describe other things and in conjunction with other meanings all the time. Like when its used to describe lazy behavior or something ghastly like that. No one besides MG uses midget to describe tiny things consistently. Plus im not sure it was ever meant to be disparaging at all. Its actually much less disparaging then the term jazz music. Which is predominantly black music, of african and NOLA origin and influence, and the term Jazz music means, whore-house music. Not because black people are whores, but because its seedy and bawdy rythyms were supposedly fit for a brothel.

Fucking cool it little people. honestly, i know your life is definitely hard. Cant be easy. Fuck people who stare at you and snicker. Really they are scum. but lets get serious, its not the same. i may not have made my point, but the point is clear. You're being pretentious dicks, hangers on, and isolationist. Like you're your own group. I say you're the same. Just born with a specific genetic condition. Usually congenital dwarfism. Should we call u dwarfs? Do we call people with muscular dystrophy musc-dyphs? Or cerebral palsy sufferers palsies? No, cause they're regular just like you. Just say im fucking short, get over it. Cause those of us who are normal will, and those who are fucking assholes are just gonna call you midget anyway. And i swear to god if a little person rapper comes out and starts trying to own the word midget im gonna begin making real mean jokes. You've been warned.

-not me

Cartoraphy: Just Terrible

2008-02-26T06:41:00.003-05:00

this may not be suitable for this blog, but Eduardo Da Silva, a 24 year old striker from Arsenal, the soccer team i like, sustained a horrifying injury in a match on saturday. he got hit low on the shin, on the outside of his left leg and it broke his fibula through his ankle bones. yeah. theisman-like. really gross, one of those ankle makes a 90% angle things. bone sticking out of the kid's leg. Martin Taylor came in with a high boot, spikes up, and may have ended a young guy's very promising career (he's from Brazil). Real shame, and i feel bad for him, and felt like sharing. I am sad. the video is off youtube, and they wouldnt even show it during the game due to the graphic nature, but if you find it, you'll be horrified like i was. ugh. poor guy.

Fucking over compensating English guys trying to make up for their feelings of emasculation for not playing a contact sport. sorry chaps, its not a contact sport. Rugby and American football are, along with hockey for sure. get over it. just terrible.

Cartography: Minor Point

2008-02-23T05:01:00.007-05:00

Just a small observation for the time being. I've been unemployed for a few months now (ladies.....), so ive had mostly free time, needless to say. In my experience C-Span is the only television channel worth watching for a discerning adult. ok. I'll narrow and say cable television channel. Conan is on NBC along with 30 rock and the office, and lets not forget Journey Man (Clortho); south park and dave chappelle stand up routines generally sandwich the daily show and colbert on Comedy Central and lets not forget the sunday morning ol' folks political pundit showdown before brunch on nearly every network.

I watch mostly channel thirteen's news programming as well as nature and science shows of all kinds. This allows me to dupe my sedentary self into being blithely and pretentiously assured of my own self worth and efficacy while i deteriorate into some sort of low-protein, high-fat paste, that would likely make an effective low cost cocktail to be fed intravenously to beef cattle or pork swine, and would likely be an additive to your favorite Value Meal item.

However whilst atrophying i do come to some conclusions that may help you "survivors." Here's the thing... C-Span may be the most important channel on all television, but only during late night. not dave late-night, not even carson late-night. Im talking leno again late-night. Try not downing your nightly ambien just this one time, maybe the night before a national holiday, and you be likely to see the process of your government in action in ways you thought were only the stuff of meaningless didactic pontification by quasi intellectuals and those who make points based on how "they think it works," when they know absolutely nothing about how it actually works.

Now heres the catch. Even though we can watch oversight and accountability in action, and learn the effectiveness and general ethical center of the 535 congressmen and women we elect and basically let loose on the budget, without the correct administration in control, guiding public and foreign policy, nothing comes of it. Policies proven fallacious are renewed and objections ignored. Programs and contracts shown to be rife with malfeasance, detrimental to stability or even human safety, continue and receive additional funding year after year.

Partisan politics simply do not work. All it facilitates is corruption, kick-backs and unpublished earmarks out the obese ass. Congress's approval rating is at like 11%. Granted americans are fucking idiots and they're just looking for a scapegoat, but at the same time, they havent been able to mobilize on anything, pretty much at all. Congress will always use pork-barrel politics. Always. That is unless you know about it and bitch them out; cause all they really wanna do is be senators and congress-people. They want desperately to be elected again and again. So if you watch C-Span really late at night, you can then competently call them on their shit and force them to govern in such a way that effectively maximizes YOUR money and puts it to use in ways that affect you positively.

Notice how the crucial breaking point of the greatest country ever's entire system of governance is only made public between the hours of 3 and 6 in the morning on basic cable, inconveniently buried within the preview, business and shopping channels. NO ONE WATCHES THOSE. What the fuck america? What the FUCK? Stop fucking up the best country ever. You are doing it. Tape that shit. Watch it after Idol for all i care. Just get it together so we can get more welfare so i never have to go back to work. For Fuck Sake. Help a brother out.

Hopefully if we all do our C-part, the mainstream media will actually report on the news items that allow our nation to effectively keep us safe and not waste our money in unimaginable ways. seriously. try and imagine Cost Plus. I dare you. Let's see you have the sack to explode an $80,000 long bed truck with a flat tire rather than change it so you get paid more after the accounting is CORRECTLY done. Then do it like 5 times a week for 6 blood-soaked years with escalating debt and you'll be invited to the same conferences for "Advancing American Interests" as KBR and CACI. Start watching. Start taping and tivoing. Start bitching and letter writing. maybe then i can get some sleep.

-mlyt

Alien Sex: Further Proof

2008-02-22T17:49:00.003-05:00

There's a new movie coming to a theater near you.

It's called "U2:3D"

Guess what it's about........

Go on, I'll wait.

That's right.

It's just a U2 concert, but it's in 3D.

So, not only are you paying good money to see Bono's extreme record-setting narcissism, but you have to wear stupid glasses to do it.

I'm gonna hang out in front of movie theaters all over the country with a loaded gun, just waiting for pretentious assholes to walk out with their fucking blue/red glasses, talking about how "it was a once in a lifetime experience."

We already knew the HUMALIENS were breeding.

Now they're making major motion-pictures.

I will not stand for this.

- Suge

Alien Sex: Byron Vs. Bell - Conclusion

2008-02-17T01:21:00.005-05:00

That's right fuckers, I reserve the right to conclude any ongoing series I want at any time. Since I've already revealed to my fellow visionaries that the entire contest was going to be a push, I'll just summarize.

Kari Byron - Stop dying your hair, you had a perfect shade going.

Deanne Bell - Your asymmetrical smile owns me, and I dig long, dark, straight hair.

Conclusion - Push.

We Pumanthers are quite impatient.

So fuck you, imaginary guy that just happened to stumble across this blog accidentally and doesn't like that I didn't complete the series. I have more important prey to kill.

Until next time, keep your crunches tight.

- Sweetness

And where the fuck is the rest of my squad? I'm carrying this blog. I'm like Peyton Manning if he were playing for this year's Dolphins. Step your shit up.

Alien Sex: Byron vs. Bell, Pt. 1 - Eyes

2008-02-14T10:01:00.007-05:00

This is part 1 of an ongoing internal debate between the two halves of my brain. In it, I hope to settle once and for all which one of the Discovery Channel's "Science Sexpots" would indeed be my preferred partner.

Both Kari Byron of "MythBusters" fame and Deanne Bell of the new series "Smash Lab" have what it takes to receive my Pumanther seed. But if forced to pick ONLY ONE, who would emerge victorious? And who would be left to weep uncontrollably at their loss?

In the interest of full disclosure, no matter how many installments of this series I make, it should be noted that my Pumanther seed is plentiful and highly potent. Whoever wins this particular part would only score a minor victory. For you see, although the battle may be awarded to one of them, the war can potentially be won by both. We Pumanthers are like lions. We spread our seed for the good of the race, and always protect our territory. What's stopping me from just hanging on to both of them? Nothing. But it's worth stirring the debate.

Eyes are an important feature for the Pumanther. Our incredible sight enables us to successfully stalk our prey, and the art of Pumanther seduction lies almost solely in the eyes. The eyes, it has been suggested, are “the window of the soul.” (Research also suggests that pupil diameter is a major indicator of cortical dopamine levels, but we won’t follow that road. Trust me, any lady lucky enough to be in my presence won’t have any trouble getting her dopamine levels up.)

My 20/15 vision was one of the first indicators that I was, in fact, a Pumanther. As such, I’m not concerned with who has the better eye-sight, simply with who has the more attractive eyes. Regardless of eye-sight, I’m going to make her wear glasses, simply because I think it’s sexy. They can be fake and transparent glasses with no magnifying properties to them at all; it really doesn’t matter to me. I like the accessory itself, and the illusion of intelligence it creates. (Although, as we’ll discuss in later installments, neither lady needs any help appearing intelligent.)

So, enough exposition. Let’s get down to it.

Kari Byron seems like she wears a fair amount of eye makeup. I’m no fan of makeup of any kind, and this is a serious strike against her. However, if we’re judging simply by eye color, Byron takes the cake. Kari has what appear to be VERY LIGHT BROWN eyes that seem to almost border on yellow. Assuming this isn’t an affect created by some kind of colored contacts, Kari Byron is naturally more like the Pumanther, and therefore may be more readily able to accept my seed.

Deanne Bell has dark, brooding, bedroom eyes, which may actually give her an advantage during our courtship. I’m a sucker for dark features, as we’ll discuss later in the “hair” installment. There is a certain devilishness behind her eyes when she smiles (oh trust me, there’s a smile installment) and she just has that “it” factor that let’s me know she’d look better in the glasses I’d be forcing her to wear.

Verdict for Part 1 - Eyes: Push.

I simply can’t decide, and will continue to pursue both of them. It may seem like a stupid move to select BOTH on Valentine's Day, but this isn't the first time I've sent out more than one Valentine invitation. Ladies......

Upcoming installments include (but are not limited to): Hair, Smile, Body, Intelligence, Personality, and Overall Attractiveness. (For the record, we already know Overall Attractiveness is going to be a Push, otherwise we (I) wouldn’t have started this debate to begin with).

Alien Sex: Random Sunday Thoughts, Vol. 1

2008-02-10T14:08:00.000-05:00

Grizzly bears are awesome.

If your daughter thinks that Paris Hilton's life is in any way interesting, you've gotta feel like you somewhat failed as a father.

How long before Bed Bugs really take over the world?

Wolves are just as awesome as grizzly bears. Possibly even more awesome.

True story: my cousin (who is about 20 years older than me) bought a wolf puppy and raised it himself for a little over a year. I, as a 4 or 5 year old boy, was actually lucky enough to have the experience of playing with a wolf puppy. A wolf has sat on my lap, it has licked my face. My child hands were in the mouth of a wolf, and it gently and playfully gnawed on my fingers. Wolves are awesome.

Unfortunately, after about 16-18 months, it was just getting too big, and too independent. My cousin awoke in the middle of the night to find the wolf sitting and staring at him from across the room. Two thoughts went through his mind:

1) This thing could completely maul me right now if it wanted to.
2) He really belongs with other wolves, not in my apartment.

He gave him to a zoo. I can’t remember which one.

The NFL should really get rid of the Pro Bowl.

I get paid to do basically nothing tomorrow. Though that will change quickly.

Pitchers and catchers report this week.

- Eli

Cartography: Kimbo Slice Vs. Tank Abbott

2008-02-10T01:32:00.000-05:00

Cartography: we ARE breeding

2008-02-09T19:03:00.000-05:00

in case you pion, xenophobic sapiens were wondering: thats puma on top (sternum and up), man in the middle ([shredded] abdominal torso and genitals), and panther on the bottom (ass, legs and tail).

SO, for the ladies in particular this means we eye you like you were Cindy Brady on a family Zoo trip as you pass by the puma cage; we grasp you with rippling adamantium strength muscular arms, sheathed in suede as soft as fine satin cloth; we make sweet, passionate, animal love to you with our man's torso and waterworks; and in case you were wondering, . . we've got black legs. yeah, thats right. we can dance our feline asses off, so you know we're real good at it.

most importantly though, is that the average (right!) pumanther has all the animal cunning and instincts his striking features lead one to believe, but at his core lies a human's heart and brain. So we really don't want to purr and cuddle and shit afterwards.

I mean, we will,.. at first. but eventually i wanna get some sleep. i've got to kill like 30 deer tomorrow. i have that contract with the morris county highway safety commission. and though it hurts my humane empathetic sensibilities to do it, fuck do i love the taste of blood.

ladies.....

- mlyt

Alien Sex: WE are breeding.

2008-02-09T16:25:00.000-05:00

Pumanthers = part Puma, part Human, part Panther.

There are very few of us, and we tend to like it that way. Makes hunting easier. Fewer mouths to feed.

You will learn more about us in time.

For now, suffice it to say that we can/should/must/will maul you if provoked...or even if we just get bored.

It should be noted, however, that we wish to spread our seed.

Ladies.....

I like to call it Lost Wages: And I like to call myself...

2008-02-09T16:00:00.000-05:00

friendly, but you'll see enough of that in our time together.

Alright, I'm tired of telling you what I am. So let's play Reversi while I tell you what I am NOT.

I am NOT one of the bleeding heart liberals that are all over this blog. I have a latent and true respect for the way America is currently working. I think money is good, and I'd like to swim in some one day. More importantly, to mock Mike Huckabee is to mock everything he's ever done, and his fake college deserves better than that.

I am NOT some faggot ass poet.
I am a serious intellectual, and you should know it.

I am NOT ok with everyone cussing left and right. But I'll be goddamned if I don't respect these motherfuckers' cunt-slapping First Amend-cocksucking-ment rights. For the ass shitting record, crunch is a c-shit-u-piss-s-pussy-s word.

I am NOT uninitiated in the human condition. On the contrary, I go to law school and, as such, I see the inner workings of all aspects of society. It is with this insight that I load my commentary-gun. I'm shooting a double-barrel of knowledge-shot right into your graying temples.

Now onto important lessons for everyone.
1. I don't want you to think, that I think, that I am better than you. To the contrary, I KNOW I'm better than you, and I want YOU to THINK (or KNOW and be wrong) you're better than me. That makes steps 6-12 of my life plan go much smoother... FOR BOTH OF US.

2. I don't want you to tell me how Candidate X will change my life come November and Candidate Y is the fifth coming of the devil (the first four comings all being Henry Clay). There are precious few difference between ANY of the candidates, and those differences can be called Babies and Gays. This opens the floor for differences on Gay-bies, but regardless any changes on these fronts have to be done through amendments and we know how easy it is to pass those. So in Novemeber, I'll be casting my vote for 11 am Mimosas and three-dozen pizza rolls, that should render me close enough to John Q. Public that I can vote accordingly.

3. Al Gore is an asshole. Don't get me wrong, I'm no anti-evolution bible-monkey... er, bible-human. I don't think Al Gore is wrong about global warming, but I think he isn't right enough to make a difference. In fact, he has probably hurt the cause more than not. Thank god bees are dying to let people know this shit is serious.

4. Never follow a hippy to a second location.

5. The unstoppable tandem of Mike Huckabee and Chuck Norris, a.k.a (affectionately know as) Chuck-abee, can only be countered by a democratic ticket featuring Mr. T. making the death match monumental. It would pit the Chuck-abee against either B.A. Barack or Clinton Lang.

Hey, let me tell you about your new best friend,
- BARNABY JONES

Nap.

Alien Sex: Rabbit Holes, etc.

2008-02-08T00:57:00.000-05:00

This rhyme-scheme is for you
To take the sting out of your eye
This is no call to arms, you see
We have no battle cry

We speak in obscurities
To point you toward the truth:
“The Banshee caught a hold of me,
She bit me in the tooth.”

Preening Spider-Hawks
Who keep you on your iron lung
Linguistic Chieftains…
We can speak your ragged Pagan tongue

Four chords and a melody
Are all you’ve ever heard
We sing for you a symphony
Of muted minor thirds

Making chaos out of order:
The committee brought to light
The march of sons and daughters
Who are in their father’s fight

Jabberwocky logic
Led us down the rabbit hole
It’s Walrus Vs. Carpenter,
With neither in control

With razor tongues, we cut the lines
Atop the looking glass
You put them up your nostrils
Then you make your way to class

If you ponder of the white-hair
Who was off in such a rush:
He’s made of mostly water,
Soul impossible to crush

His watch was set in motion
By eternal lunar tides
He floats in the endless ocean
Where infinity resides

He has a job to do today
We all do, for the moment
There is a war to win, you see
Though we have no opponent

With chicken-scratch directions
Blindly followed turn by turn
Ignoring your objections
There are further maps to burn

Sporadically, we tend to be
A group that’s hard to hate
We swallow what’s been offered us
But never clean our plate

The goal is not confusion
And there is no greater lesson
Just questions and hypotheses
The wisdom’s in the guessing

Trust me, you can count on us
We’re always inconsistent
Tomorrow was like yesterday
Today is always different

- Sugar

I Hate To Do It: I Got This For You

2008-02-08T00:04:00.000-05:00

Additionally, I found this to be an interesting look into one of wildlife's little treasures.

I Hate To Do It: You Don't Deserve a Vote

2008-02-07T23:42:00.000-05:00

I feel bad about this. But I don't.

I'm torn. But I shouldn't be.

Look. At this point in my life, I've been around the block once. Others my age are nearing a block and half. Good for them. I hear the Peabody’s set up a sprinkler on their front lawn this time around. I'm looking forward to that, and if I’m frugal, I can play in it when I get there.

Others still, on this life block, are lagging behind. They’re comfortable enjoying the scenery and the beautiful shrubs that Chock Tadio’s wife put up. Thats fine.

And being where I am, I can say that life as it is now, and more so later on, is not easy. I'm not talking about "trial" life, cause that shit was a joke. I'm talking about when the real shit kicks in. Jobs, Dating, Bills, Taxes, etc. Then you got Mortgages, Children, and Retirement and so on.

I mean, I can do it. I'm a responsible grown-ass man. I can, and I will. Even those laggards will figure it out. Otherwise, we'd have a REAL hobo problem. Homeless literally through the fucking roof. Well, I suppose not through the literal roof. If they had one to be through, they wouldn’t be...well you get it, you get it.

Literally, homeless through the hypothetical roof.

 And now with a crude understanding of my even cruder socio-intellectual analogy, I present to you, a new low.

Working on a small business selling political merchandise, I received this email from an ardent Barack Obama supporter.

Congrats to him on S. Carolina win today!

To keep this win win going......have him ask his audience before he leaves
the stage,"WHO do you want for pres. to get the change you want?" The audience
will then holler his name......Have Obama say"I didn't hear you! The crowd
will holler louder.....and begin clapping for him. This MUST be done. Have Obama
ask the crowd"Who's gonna talk to others about my campaign?" Crowd will answer
"we will"......
Obama anwsers"You do his & we all will win in Nov."

I feel this will strongly help him win again & again.

Sir Willups Brightslymoore*

*Not A Real Name

I’ve read these few sentences more times than I’ve listened to my favorite song, ate my favorite ice cream, said my own name, and read Mary Elizabeth Winstead and Zooey Deschanel’s IMDB biography COMBINED.

The first time I read this I made this face

And what keeps me so flabbergasted every time I allow this nonsense into my brain, is that this person wrote this email from a house, on a computer, with the internet. And they payed for all of that stuff. They’re doing it. Life.

And so now we’re here. In this leap year of leap years. And we Americans have the ability to make an impact on the world that is so important to the future, that whenever Mike Huckabee speaks I can hear my unborn 2nd son’s unborn daughter screaming from inside my scrotum.

And everyone has equal say.

Lemme Juss...Tell You What Happened Today

2008-02-07T16:55:00.001-05:00

Warning: The following article should not be a watermark for the usual level of seriousness found in my articles. They will be even MORE serious, dead serious, from now on. Watch.

So I work for the MDA right now, and part of my job is calling people to get them to go to this fundraising event called the Lock-Up. How it works is, they are pretending to arrest someone for an hour during the day, usually a business owner, and that business owner has to notify everyone they can to try and get money donated to the MDA on their behalf; they refer to it as "bail," just like when real charges are filed against you for sodomy. I lay this out for background to what happened at work today, something that really bothered me to the Tootsie Roll® core of my being. My coworker, lets call him Zuul, called a man, gave the beginning part of our little shpiel describing the fundraiser, and just about the part where Zuul was talking about how the money raised goes towards sending some local kids with Muscular Dystrophy to a summer camp, he alerted Zuul to the fact that he was offended by the whole theme. Zuul stopped, and proceeded to ask him why he was offended by the idea of being locked up to benefit a charity. The man said that, as a black individual, he didn't find it the least bit cute or even acceptable that the theme for the event was "going to jail." He stated that it was offensive to a black man, to tell them they are getting arrested for a good cause, because of how the prison system has taken advantage of the black community. He then, in a move so ignorant, self-absorbed, and downright unfounded, stated that this was comparable to "asking a Jew to go to a gas chamber for fun and raise money." Now, Zuul is an African-american male as well, a strapping young lad if I may say, and he told me about this as soon as he got off the phone. I was apalled, of course, then shocked at the reaction it garnered from not only Zuul, but another coworker of mine, a young jewish female; we'll call her Padme. Zuul and Padme, after briefly discussing the facts of the conversation, actually said they understood where he was coming from with his statements, and Padme, to my flabbergastation, said she actually might AGREE with him! She's jewish! Are you kidding me? Needless to say, I was in absolute shock, and proceeded to argue with my coworkers, in a civilized fashion, about how ridiculous it is to compare a mock lock-up to a fake GAS CHAMBER. As a member of neither party involved, I was personally offended by the notion that someone could compare these two completely different situations with such non-chalance. Don't get me wrong, I am no apologist to the U.S. prison system; there are far more problems with the notion of "corrections" in this country than there is space here to list. But wait a minute now, are you seriously going to tell me, because a vastly disproportionate number of black males are encarcerated in the prison system, that now it is comparable to a regime of ethnic cleansing? You want me to believe that we can liken a judicial punishment system, in which it is basically unarguable that the majority of individuals incarcerated actually do deserve to be there, to a mass gathering, relocation, and extermination of a group of people based solely on ethnicity? Are you listening to yourself? I was honestly livid, and had to stop talking about it, because I started to get the "you don't have the first-hand perspective on it that you need" garbage that so often simply enables people to say whatever ludicrous idea they come up with. And truthfully, I also had to stop because I was about a half a pack of Smarties away from telling Padme that if she thinks the two are comparable, she should ask a Holocaust survivor for their thoughts and watch the shit get smacked out of her, probably by her own grandmother. That sounds harsh, but seriously, you'd get the same response you would if you told Buzz Aldrin at a bar that the moon landing never happened. The thing is, it's not only the unbelievably audacious statement itself that pissed me off, it's also the fact that someone actually thinks that it is okay to make statements like that. It is not okay. Racial profiling, as wrong as it is, does NOT equal genecide, and to suggest so is unacceptable. I wish I had been on the phone with that man, because I bet no one has ever had the balls to rebuke a statement he has ever made concerning race. A minority talking about race has become an untouchable entity, even if what is being said is completely without merit and frankly quite offensive itself.
The idea of reverse racism is something I've been just as upset with recently as racism itself, because it should never be okay to honestly accuse someone of racism when there is no logical foundation for it; though it does seem to be okay and happens all the time. The most visible example for me came during the NBA dress code controversy while back, which many people felt was a racist policy for targeting black players and making them dress "like white people." Wait, so what you're saying is, a black man can't wear a suit, right? That's what you're saying, because you think that making everyone wear suits on the sidelines is racist against black players. When you follow something called logic, it is plain to see that you are, in fact, assuming not only that most white people wear and want to wear suits, but that most black people don't and don't want to. Sounds a little judgemental to me, maybe even, a little RACIST? Assholes. The NBA can make you wear whatever they want on the sidelines, because they EMPLOY you, you have a CONTRACT, and you signed up for all of this when you agreed to make millions of dollars a year to throw a ball at a circle. Like you're a victim. Assholes.
Then there's another realm that is distinctly different, but definitely related and bothersome in it's own right, thought not nearly to the same extent. These are things that insult MY intelligence and perspective, as someone who strives to NOT be a racist on a regular basis. I saw a commercial the other day, which showed a mailbox, then a traffic light, then a young African-american boy (I usually say black because African-american assumes that the person is of African descent and is an American citizen, which may not be true, but i'll assume this time). It told me, in an instructive tone reminiscent of a modern children's program, that both the traffic light AND the mailbox were invented by African-americans, and that I should support African-american education by giving money to a certain fund. I'm all for education the young minds of our society, that's fine, but why did you need to tell me that African-americans invented things? What, did you think that I thought that African-americans never invented anything? I'm not a racist, I don't assume that African-americans can't do anything on their own, so don't act like you're telling me something surprising. If a commercial came out which told everyone that a white person invented something, we would all let out a resounding "Yea, and?", which is what I did when I saw the real commercial. And it's what we should all do. Give money to education because it's helping less fortunate youth get a better chance, not because a commercial just proved to you that African-americans actually CAN do useful things. Black people INVENT SHIT? HOLY FUCKING ASS, NO WAY! Give me a break.
Stay tuned for the second part of this peice, in which we explore my take on the societal issues that Zombies must face on a night-to-night basis.

Cartography: ...so im home, slammin on my crunch

2008-02-07T02:17:00.000-05:00

i am nervous. and will likely never use correct punctuation or capitalization; get with it. also i'm writing all these posts on a laptop laying in my bed, so have deep, penetrative, violating anal sex with that! squares. pfft. i need not your plebian conventions. i just need a feed bag and diaper; maybe a powder or 2 now and again. kind word would be nice... some reassurance. dont know really. what i do know is that i need maps. always. . . all kinds. i need a map to get to the bleedin map aisle of the map store in a map depot at the end of the map seminar at the map-maker's convention (played at by the map hatters). So take it from me, . . no i mean litterally take it from me, i dont use em. Just because you need a thing, doesnt mean you have to have it. its called zen bitches. my esteemed colleague referred to it in a previous blog which i wont refer you to because i cant.

i just make decisions on the basis of whether or not i feel like it. is there a gutteral intonation towards or to wit im disinclined to follow? For you see babies, ive already told you ive no sense of direction, so a step in the direction of my choosing, is a move in the wrong direction. I have never in my life been at a crossroads and made the correct choice. Im talking like 100%. never. niente. nunca. ice cream. foxtrot.

What does this mean? Only time will tell. and in my experience she's a mum dried up wrinkly old bitch. cool party. Now.. i think the art of cartography and surveyorship are fine dignified and truly noble pursuits. but the truth seems to me that the more we understand of ourselves in relation to our environment and one another, the more we feel the need to assimilate and divide. to me, all things are foreign, all persons are foreigners, im a stranger to everyone, and i've no idea where the fuck i am. so i depend on the kindness of strangers, and not in a freeloading, backroom driving, polock-bashing, delusional southern cunt sort of way. its more of an unimposing, apologetic, glad to lend a hand with your bags out to the car if you'll politely tell me how to get home from this porn shoppe i frequent. because you see, i dont just get lost once. no no no. I get lost from the same places , to the same destinations all sorts of ways. and i may well need these directions again.

So thats it really. My take on things to start out. remember, be nice to the strangers you meet on unfamiliar roads, so long as you carry your ego in your hat and a puzzled look they may well get you home more than once. but not if you're sasquatch. if you're sasquatch the rules are different.

- mrlastyearstown

Alien Sex: I Am Mr. Peanut (and to a much lesser extent, The Walrus)

2008-02-06T14:30:00.001-05:00

My father is a bona fide peanut lover. He hides his own personal stash under his workbench in the basement, so that no one else in the house can get to it. Sure, there are still some peanuts in the kitchen for all to share, but the good stuff is in the stash.

Have I ever violated the sanctity of the stash? Bite your tongue, heathen. NEVER. And you can bet your worthless life I never will. But I've seen it, and I swear to everything you believe in:

It...Is...Immaculate.

Why do I bring this up? To establish my credibility as a witness.

Inherent in my DNA is the peanut connoisseur gene. I can tell a bad peanut from 15 feet away.

The Perfect Peanut?

I've unfortunately never met the perfect peanut, though I hope to some day. We'll settle down and have two little EliNuts of our own to run and play with. It will all be just grand.

But I digress.

I can confirm, for example, that, in the botanical sense, the peanut is neither a pea NOR a nut... it is officially considered a legume. Would any casual peanut fan know that? No, of course not.

What exactly is a legume, you ask? Read a book, simpleton.

This isn't School House Rock.

I’m here to talk serious nut-news.

"Buy me some peanuts and Cracker Jacks; I don't care if I NEVER get back."

Is there anything more beautiful than to hear that during the 7th inning stretch at Wrigley?

Is there anything that says "Baseball" more than that?

Is there anything that says "America" more than that?

That's the creed we, as dedicated baseball fans, live by. But after surveying the landscape of the current peanut market, I’m starting to think it’s not such a bad thing to never get back - to breathing or otherwise living my life – now that I’ve seen what passes as a honey roasted peanut these days.

Now it's another subject entirely to get into the current state of Cracker Jack prizes. Rub-on tattoos? Why not just send our children directly to prison? I mean...how 'bout a little imagination? I could go on and on, ad nauseum, about this very subject.

No, ladies and gentlemen, this article is strictly about peanuts.

Specifically, the highest class of peanut ever made: Honey Roasted.

I don’t associate myself with the honey roasted peanuts that have been watered down to be included on airline flights, or the cheap, generic, "no frills" supermarket brands.

I'm talking high caliber, clean cut, pure as the driven snow, honey roasted peanuts.

Legumian Gold, bitches.

The stickiest of the icky.

Is there a more perfect snack food? Is there a more beautiful phrase in the English language than "honey roasted peanut"? I defy you to prove that there is. ("Cellar Door" doesn't count).

So you understand, then, why I cannot sit idly by as the name of the King Of Peanuts is sullied by low class impostors.

Emerald brand "Old Fashioned Honey Roasted Peanuts" just don't get the job done.

First of all, if you're going to have "Old Fashioned" printed on the label, that right there tells me you're not serious about peanuts. It's either "Olde Fashioned" or it isn't.

The "e" may be silent, but I simply cannot be. Not while this egregious crime is being committed against the baseball (and peanut) community.

Second, they taste neither honeyed nor roasted, and cannot be described as anything but bland.

We're not talking "lightly salted cashews" here. OK? We're talking Honey...Fucking...Roasted...Peanuts. The most decadent of all peanuts.

OK? So don't.....

Anyway, as to not overstay my welcome or thoroughly exhaust your all-American attention span, which I’m sure is right at its breaking point, if not well passed it…I’ll get right to the point.

These peanuts just don’t cut it.

Look for Mr. Peanut...every time.

Not only is he the least racist of all food mascots, but he’s a symbol of unfailing attention to detail and the highest quality honey roasted peanut money can buy.

Don’t demean yourself by settling for less than the best.

Integrity can be fleeting, but self-denigration is forever.

- Eli Sugar

Alien Sex: The Cracked Gourd of White-Collar Consciousness, and the Sheep Who Drink From It

2008-02-06T14:19:00.000-05:00

Wall Street
call shots
dictate the market

spark interest
build profits
expand wallets

inflate the dollar and your ego too
hope your stocks form bonds with you

you can't teach the meaning
just means to an end
with suggested investments
that pay dividends

so call in your options
leverage your dreams
watch your stocks split
'til they rip at the seams

whatever helps keep your new SUV clean
but cover your ears while the children all scream

you've traded your soul for those green magic Beans

- Eli Sugar

Alien Sex: Genesis

2008-02-05T23:18:00.000-05:00

I don't know if anyone remembers the old "1-800-COLLECT" collect-calling commercials starring noted homosexual Mike Piazza and closeted homosexual alien ALF, but those two were FUCKING. Alright? Deal with it.

Humans mating with aliens is nothing new. In fact, it's been happening since even before recorded history. I could force you to read the actual evidence, but that would be a long and arduous task for both of us. You're going to have to just trust me on this. No one who worships The Bear from Harvey Birdman would lie to you. That Bear is the most fucking Zen creature ever. Some years ago, I took one look at that smiling face and knew the immutable glory of the world around me. I could suddenly recite passages verbatim from the Tao Te Ching, despite the fact that I had never read it. Am I a prophet? Maybe. Well, yes. But that's hardly the point. The point is, human beings are FUCKING aliens, and have been for some time.

Now here's the real bombshell. Are you ready? Mike Piazza is actually the leader of a secret alien cult, posing as a religion known as "Astronomology." His wife (beard) is a former Playboy Playmate who was artificially inseminated by a "mixed-cocktail" extracted from Piazza and ALF during one of their "commercials" together. In the alien world, making a collect call with someone is the most intimate thing you can do. Piazza and ALF fell in love, and sharing all the same religious beliefs, knew it was they who would have to propagate the HUMALIEN species. It is unknown if Piazza's "wife" was a willing participant in the insemination, or if she was simply brainwashed by THE ALIEN MIND CONTROL DOOM BEAM possessed by ALF's people.

Now, MIND CONTROL DOOM BEAMS have been used by the American Government for more than 60 years to trick people into approving tax breaks for the rich, but that's another story altogether. The aliens invented it, and we only happened upon the technology after discovering it during the Dumont, NJ Alien Incident during the 1920's. The aliens that landed in Dumont were making collect calls ALL OVER THE PLACE and thousands of HUMALIEN babies were born in Dumont. The people of Dumont were the perfect targets, due to their low intelligence caused by decades of inbreeding. Any inbred person living in the U.S. had been moved to Dumont during "The Great Relocation" of 1919.

Dumont also provides for a short commute to NYC's Financial District, where ALF and his brethren caused a massive stock market collapse which led to the Great Depression.

Atlantis? HUMALIENS FUCKED IT UP!
Sparta, Athens and all other Ancient Greek cities? HUMALIENS FUCKED THEM UP!
F.F. Woodycooks' chain of successful iced cream parlours? HUMALIENS FUCKED THEM UP!

That's what HUMALIENS do. They fuck shit up.

You may be asking yourself, "How does he know all this?" or "Why didn't WE know about the HUMALIENS?"

The answer to BOTH of those questions is: I was born better than you, and I will die better than you.

The brave men who help me keep the HUMALIENS at bay are the very same men who contribute to this site.

We see through the bullshit, so that you don't have to. You can just go on blindly enjoying your life, acting like HUMALIENS don't exist, acting like they're not out there possibly fixing your car or maybe even serving your iced cream...acting like your daughter won't one day be fucking a HUMALIEN.

There are steps to be taken to avoid such a miserable fate, but such actions won't be explicitly spelled out for you. You need to pay attention. You need to read between what's ALREADY been written between the lines: thought inside of thought, concept inside of concept, continuing on and on, ad infinitum.

We'll take you deep inside the fractal nature of human consciousness, and expose truths SO shocking they haven't even been invented yet.

And if you're lucky, maybe you'll even get a little bit of iced cream along the way.

Try to keep it off the new upholstery.

- Eli Sugar